Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City
Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
Wolfman Jack once told me, “My metallic brother, you can do just about anything on radio. You can lie, you can play jumpin’ records, heck – you can even howl. You can not, however, break format. Not if you want to keep your job anyway. AAAA-RRRRROOOOO!!! Baby!!!” Well, the FCC is making things rough for the current crop of DJs – but breaking format is still a sin. This…BZT… week, I’m breaking format. You..BZZT… may see a couple of deeper sleepers in my next columns, but I have another agenda.
This is what’s on the plate for this week. Playoff advice, an offer and a new year end award. With a deeper sleeper or two…BZZT… thrown in. Oh, don’t worry, I’ll be supplying more Tecmo Bowl gold and insulting Merrill Hoge along the way.
· Have more than defense on your squad? Why? The…BZZZZT… bye weeks are over, baby. Now, you may have two good defenses you held onto to keep them away from your competition, OK – that’s your choice. But unless they are both top 5 defenses, unload one of them. Defenses score too randomly to be holding more than …BZT… one unit at this point.
· You still have two kickers? I guess I’m not the only one enjoying the …BZZT… egg nog season. The only reason you should have two kickers is if you are afraid Todd Sauerbrun is going to schoolboy one of them. Still, even if one of them gets hurt, you can pick one up easily off …BZZT…of the waiver wire (unless your league forbids waiver wire pick-ups after a certain week, then you should have 2 of each position except defense). Really, if you have …BZZT… two top 5 kickers – you probably drafted poorly, and unless you’ve been following my advice you’re not even in the playoffs. Let me tell you something about Mr. Sauerbrun, he doesn’t suffer fools lightly. He’s kinda like Ol’ Blue Eyes, minus the enormous amount of Gin and women. That punter is a good man, a good bleeping man.
· Let’s suppose that you are dropping some players in the next couple of weeks – what next? Who do you pick up? If you’ve been reading my column, you know that my sleepers have been getting deeper and …BZZZT…deeper each week. These are some real long shots, because the bye weeks are over and hopefully your starters are all settled in. But you still never know when the injury bug is gonna chomp down on you like Grady Jackson at a rib joint! Back up your stud RBs!! If your top one or two…BZZT… RBs get hurt, and you don’t have their back up, you’re in deep monkey stuff – not a good place to be.
· Also, if you have a player on a team that is set to make the playoffs, watch their situation. This is especially important for any of you who rely on, say, the Eagles. You can bet that as soon as they have home field locked…BZZZT… up, they’ll start playing conservative with players – especially McNabb, Owens and Westbrook. Any injury is an automatic Sunday off. Pittsburgh and New England are duking it out for top dog in the AFC – they may actually be starting their regulars until week 17. Watch for teams who cannot improve their playoff seeding after week 15 (I’m thinking the Jets, Colts, and Falcons here) – they may rest a banged up starter.
· Teams that are out of playoff…BZZZT… contention should most likely start their regulars until week 17. The guys on those teams are playing for pride now. Ha – just kidding!!! They are playing for their incentives, so they’ll be trying to get that last 100 yard receiving day to get the extra $50,000 that’s part of their contract.
· Another thing about defenses and playoffs…Look at this if you don’t have a…BZZZT… defense you are married to (marriage – ugh!). These teams currently lead the league in turnovers – here is who they play in weeks 15 and 16:
Miami – New England (Monday Night!! Awful!!), Cleveland
San Francisco – Washington, Buffalo
Chicago – Houston, Detroit
Cleveland – San Diego, Miami
Dallas – Philadelphia, Washington
If Washington D/ST is available, consider picking them up, but any of these teams may be good match-up plays in those two weeks.
Ask the Betbot – I’ve been here during the regular season to help out, but unlike the Vikings, I’m not disappearing just because it’s playoff time. Have a playoff question you want to ask Yours Truly? I have posted a topic in the Shark Tank (https://www.fantasysharks.com/forum/viewtopic.php?p=306920#306920 ) where you can do just that. Ask away, I may decide to answer it, if I do, I’ll have one of the clowns who transcribe this column post my answer. And so help me if those three clowns …BZZZT… screw this up. I’ll give Dolfi a Harvard Red Eye Do you hear me?!?! The Harvard Red Eye!! (Editor’s note: According to the Betbot – burning someone with a cigarette is called the Red Eye. Knocking red-hot pipe tobacco onto someone is called the ‘Harvard Red Eye’. We suggest you do neither of these activities. It’s illegal.)
The Sin City Betbot 6000 Awards – I decided to let you kids help me with some hardware I’m gonna hand out. Ain’t that sweet of me? Anyway, I am going to give out MVP and LVP Awards for each regular fantasy position. These aren’t your normal awards, I’m talking giving props to the deeper sleepers that …BZZZT… came in like a hard eight for you this season. I’m also talking about taking some high expectation busts and cutting them down to size – some can’t miss studs that took a huge dump right on the fifty yard line. I’ll come up with MVP and LVP awards for one position each – QB, RB, WR, TE, K, and D/ST.
Here’s where you come in. From each of my MVP and LVP award winners, we’re going to select the ultimate MVP and LVP of fantasy football. I’m gonna let you cats have 25% of the overall vote. One of the clowns who transcribes my column will be posting ballots for each…BZT… award right here on the fantasysharks.com forums – so if you haven’t signed up yet, get off your …BZZZT… couch and register. That way, you not only get to vote, you can also add your comments, see? And just so I make sure nobody pulls a Jason Giambi and spoils everyone else’s fun, I’m going to retain 75% of the vote. Don’t worry, I’ll run my MVP and LVP algorithm three times each just to make sure I get impartial results – and also to make sure the …BZZT… Gin has soaked in before anything serious goes down.
After week 15’s BetBot article, look in the ‘Article Discussion’ Tank for the ultimate MVP ballot. I’ll do the LVP awards in week 16 and announce the results of both votes for the week 17 award show, starring yours truly and featuring your comments, if they’re good enough. So make sure you cast your vote and make comments. Oh, and have fun! Or not, I’m …BZZZT… getting loaded either way.
The Sin City BetBot 6000 awards:
Royal Flush MVP award (6) – awarded to the player who was the most surprising (deeper sleeper) fantasy stud at his position for the year – think low expectations, but surprisingly high value (like a bottle of Mezcal). Look for the awards during week 15.
The BetBot Grand Champion (1) – awarded to the Royal Flush MVP winner who was the ultimate surprise for the year, at any position. Start voting week 15! Results announced week 17.
Merrill Hoge LVP award (6) – awarded to the player who was the most disappointing fantasy player at his position – think high expectations, low return (like …BZZT… Hoge’s prom night). Look for the awards week 16.
The BetBot Grand Balloon Knot (1) – awarded to the Hoge LVP who was the ultimate disappointment this year, at any position. Start voting week 16! Results announced week 17.
Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week
The Nigerian Nightmare!
Everyone knows about Tecmo Bo Jackson, the greatest video game athlete in the history of video games. But right in the same division you can get an unheralded back who’s almost as unstoppable – Christian Okoye. I dare say that Tecmo Super Bowl is the …BZT… only reason why anyone remembers Okoye, who had one great season (89) and one good season (91) before fading into the sunset in 1992 after a five year run with the Chiefs. One of the things that’s so great about Tecmo Super Bowl is the one-hit wonders. Here, trapped forever, lives the Tecmo Okoye, a bruising runner that literally runs over would-be tacklers when he’s in EXCELLENT condition. In the real world, he couldn’t even wrestle a full time job from Barry Word, but in TSB, he’s a …BZZZT… legend.
No Feedback Loop this week, kids – post your questions on the forum and I’ll be all over them like Barry Bonds on flaxseed oil.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and Gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin