Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
I gotta admit, I was in no mood to dictate another of these columns. But, I got things on my mind and I know…BZZZT… I make your lives better by sharing. You’re welcome, by the way.
I got the hankering…BZT… to instill more wisdom on you after hearing about the ‘Live8’ concert that will be held in five cities on July 2. Now, I wasn’t going to like any of the acts…BZZZT… anyway, but the lineup in the USA just stinks, unless you’re a 15-18 year old girl. Get a bleeping load of this:
· Will Smith
· Bon Jovi
· Maroon 5
· P Diddy
· Stevie Wonder
· The Dave Matthews Band
· Sarah McLachlan
· Rob Thomas
· Keith Urban
· 50 Cent
· Kaiser Chiefs
Now, more acts will be announced, but this is a horrible start. Will Smith? Rob Thomas? Ugh… Frankly, I…BZZZZT… would much rather have seen the 1985 Live Aid lineup that this Rogue’s Gallery of Mediocrity. Maroon 5? Is that the name of the coloring used in Robitussin or is it the name of a music group?
Me? I like the classics, Frank, Dean-o, Sammy. Hell, as I wrote…BZZZT… before, I have worked with the Beatles, Metallica and KISS. I would go see one of them. Speaking of seeing, I do notice that Stevie Wonder is on the docket. Now Stevie Wonder is a true genius. I remember working with him at the Stardust in the early 70s. That young …BZZT…man taught me that no matter what hand you’re dealt – you can do anything…Well, anything that doesn’t involve hand-eye coordination or reading signs. You get the idea. Triumph of the spirit and all that touchy feely crap.
Where the bleep was I? Oh, I saw that this Live8 concert will be in Philadelphia. That made me think of the schmoes who translate these columns for me (they live in the Philly area) which made me think about writing another column. You get the idea, stream of consciousness…connect the dots…all that stuff, which reminds me of Robin Williams. Don’t get me…BZZZT… started on him, I have a strong dislike for that guy, and I already used the words ‘Hell’ and ‘crap’ in this column. I’m pushing the bleeping envelope, language-wise.
Anyway, I was in Philadelphia pushing a development group’s plan for a slot parlor and decided to look up the three…BZZZT… goons who translate this column for me. Needless to say, I applied the Red Eye a number of times (Editor’s Note: the Red Eye is the act of putting a lit cigarette out on someone. Don’t do this to anyone, it’s not nice and it is illegal.) to those goofballs. Man they test my bleeping patience. I had offered them tickets to this Live8 thing, and they all refused. That’s how bad the lineup is – people with no social …BZT…life turn down sweet tickets to it.
Sweet Hoboken! I’ve talked this long and not…BZZZT… even gotten to football yet. I’ve been sort of distracted planning a trip to London, my showgirl, Svetlana and I are going to see the good Live8 concert.
The Arizona Cardinals signed Kurt Warner this off season. Warner did some good things while he was starting for the Giants last year. I don’t think he’ll be a fantasy superstar this year, but the…BZZZT… Cardinals could make some noise in the NFC West. Of course, if the Cards play true to history, that sound will be something like you hear coming out of Dom DeLuise’s pants-area after…BZZZZZT… a trip to the Burrito Buffet at the Excalibur.
Speaking of DeLuise, he enabled the poor behavior by Burt Reynolds on the red carpet the other week. He slapped DeLuise around so much in the Cannonball Run series…who can blame him for being so slap-happy that his abhorrent behavior continued 25 years after the second…BZT… installment in that awesome series? Quite frankly, I have wanted to slap DeLuise’s slop chops for about 30 years myself. It’s a long story, and I’ve sworn enough this column.
And don’t get me started on Adam Sandler. Spending weeks with him may have also kick-started Mr. Reynolds slap attack.
The Vikings have had an eventful off-season. They totally revamped their defense, got a new owner and proved that rolling Vikings keep no Moss. Of these three big moves, the best by far is the…BZT… new owner. He promised to keep the Vikings in Minnesota and pushed for a new open air stadium. The Vikings playing outdoors would be a great move and would…BZZT… give them a great home field advantage.
I think the Vikes win the NFC North. If they can secure the home field this year, they can pose a serious threat to the class of the NFC, the Philadelphia Eagles. While the Vikings are much, much better on defense, they did lose Randy Moss. That loss can not be overstated. I believe…BZZZT… they will be noticeably worse on offense. The net gain means the Vikings are much better, but not good enough to win the NFC, especially if they have to play outside of a dome in the playoffs.
The Falcons…well they were strangely silent this off-season. They made some moves, but did nothing to address their glaring hole, the lack of a passing game. I don’t believe I saw Mike/Michael/Ron Vick/Mexico get any better as last year wore on. I think…BZZZT… the Falcons management is simply hoping that he gets better. I don’t know if this is such a great idea. They are close to the prize they should do all they…BZZT… can now to get over the hump.
I’ll be back again this summer with more thoughts on the NFL, so be sure to check out this space in the upcoming weeks.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at email@example.com .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.