Thursday - Jan 17, 2019

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The Sin City BetBot 6000 Presents

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the

Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government?

It was the mob … ), the

Sin

City Betbot

6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot

was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.

The Betbot

was de-commissioned in 1990 after

San Francisco destroyed

Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s

wires and he retired. The Betbot

was discovered by FantasySharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL.

And nobody does it better

Though

sometimes I wish someone could

Nobody does it quite the way you do

Why’d you have to be so good?

Carly

Simon

wrote these lyrics

about me after a particularly

pleasurable “session of sweet.” She originally titled the song, “

The Bot

Who Loved Me

,” but the Broccolis called Carly

and she renamed it for a James Bond film to “

The Spy Who Loved Me”

Why do I tell you this?

Only to toot my own horn?

No. I tell you this because certain NFL pundits used to do nothing but sing Brett Favre’s praises as Carly

once sang mine. Then Favre’s skills faded and he began acting like a jackass, to paraphrase President Barack Obama. Now Tom Brady is beginning to act like a self-important tool. Hey, he is important; but much like HAL9000, once you become self aware, the proverbial crap hits the fan.

Brady blew off the lovely, spunky Suzy Kolber

after the gift win the Patriots got from the Bills.

I don’t like some of the vibes I’ve been getting off Brady lately; he’s even got a logo! That’s right, he has a friggin

logo! Like Tiger Woods’ logo, except worse …

friggin

classless. Tom, don’t be a putz! You’re heading to Favretown

and no one wants that!

NFC NOTES

The Eagles dropped the husband of a Playmate (

Kendra Wilkinson/Hank Baskett) for the husband of a Penthouse Pet (

Carmella DeCesare/Jeff Garcia) this week. I don’t understand why they dropped Baskett. In reality it was to get

Michael Vick

on the active roster, but he can’t play until next week anyway. It’s a puzzling week of roster moves for the Eagles.

John Fox

should have a very short leash with

Jake Delhomme

.

I don’t know what happened to Delhomme, but he is single-handedly killing that team …

Tony Romo

is dating another blonde; maybe he should take some time off from going steady with dames, but I am sure all of those bleeping sports bloggers would upset without that drama.

Reggie Bush

dropped his pseudo-celebrity girlfriend, and it worked out well for him (except for the muffed punt on Sunday, but I digress).

Percy Harvin

looks like the real deal, but you had to know a guy named Percy would be a fighter.

The Jerome Boger

Rush to Judgement

Section

This is the part of the column where I turn off my rational heuristics and make a wild judgment based on limited, potentially biased data … kind of like my favorite NFL referee, Boger, aka

Southern Sassy.

  • Green Bay

    will have a higher rated defense than offense, despite what we saw in the preseason.

  • Brett Favre

    will last the entire season.

  • A.J. Feeley

    will be starting for the Panthers by Week 5. 

    Jake Delhomme has not been throwing safe passes.

Safe pass = flip from right hand to left hand

AFC NOTES

So it looks like Colts WR

Anthony Gonzalez will be out for 6-8 weeks, and the way ESPN is reporting it you’d think he was the lynchpin of Indy’s offense instead of their easily replaced No. 2 WR.  

It doesn’t seem right to deface a player’s lawn just because he’s a bleeping moron, but

Leodis McKelvin did actually lose that game by himself, and that means everyone has to deal with another week of how clutch

Tom Brady is. Yeah, clutch isn’t a one-point win over the friggin’ Buffalo Bills. Speaking of which, Bills LB

Paul Posluszny is down again with a broken arm – Paul, might I suggest an arm brace a la Iron Mike Sharpe? 

Troy Polamalu

is on the shelf for a month or so with a sprained knee, which thankfully happened early enough in the game that Al Michaels and Cris Collinsworth could finally shut up about how awesome Polamalu is. Five minutes into the season and I thought we were inducting

Troy into the Hall of Fame. He’s good, we get it.  You know what’s not good? Polamalu’s insufferable shampoo commercial, which will no doubt live on even during his rehab. 

Jeff Fisher continues to fool around giving Fatman Crothers the ball too much (that’s

LenDale White.) Last year, White gained 3.9 yards per carry in 200 tries vs. 4.9 yards per carry in 250 tries for

Chris Johnson. Do I need to spell this out for you Fisher? 

Speaking of awful yardage numbers, Pittsburgh RBs posted about 1.5 yards per carry against the Titans last week. Yes, the Steelers offensive line really is that bad – another reason why

Ben Roethlisberger is more valuable than you think despite not being a statistical dynamo. 

Quick hitter time – what about those Week 1 AFC surprises?

Mark Sanchez! …uh, it was the Texans. No, really, Sanchez! … ok, I was wrong – he’s actually better looking than Brady. 

The Raiders defense seems legit to me.

Brandon Marshall

speaks; nobody is listening.

Trent Edwards

.. .improved, but Pats D is trash. 

Joe Flacco

…nice work for someone who sprays on his hair.

 

“YOU, SANCHEZ! BetBot is full of it. I’m still the hottest stud in this division!”

“Oh, no, no, no, Tom. See, I hear Gisele has a bun in the oven. Advantage, moi.”

BetBot Picks of the Week That Nobody Else Likes

So I get e-mail all the time telling me how terrible my picks are. Yeah, 60 percent-plus ATS terrible – thank me on Monday.

Rams

+9.5 over REDSKINS – Need to see more from

Washington‘s offense before they start laying 10 points.

LIONS

+10 over Vikings – I am morally opposed to Brett Favre laying double digits on the road with his tendency to turn it over.

EAGLES

over Saints – Donovan McNabb will be out for this game, but so will the Saints defense.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT …gin.”

About Fantasy Sharks

FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.