The Sin City BetBot 6000 Presents

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the

Las Vegas casinos in the late 50s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government?

It was the mob … ), The

Sin

City Betbot

6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot

was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

 

The Betbot

was de-commissioned in 1990 after

San Francisco destroyed

Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s

wires and he retired. The Betbot

was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL.

The

Sin

City

Betbot

6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi

and Tom Walls because “typing

…

BZZT

…

is a dame’s job.”

 

”Act with class, and the world returns the favor … Act with classlessness, and the world returns the favor.”

              -Richard Dawson to Yours Truly, 1974

Let me begin by saying that Richard Dawson is a good man, a good bleeping man.  We met in the mid-70s while I sat in on the set of Match Game for a few episodes at the request of Johnny Olson, an old friend of mine that used to be a regular in my Tuesday night card games. Dawson and I hit it off immediately, on account of his work on Hogan’s Heroes, one of my favorite shows during the late 60s.  Plus,

Dawson introduced me to a recipe for sangria that cannot be denied, a recipe which I have never divulged but occasionally bring out when kiwi is in season. Oops, was that a hint? Nevertheless, my time on Match Game was short and sweet but a memory like that lasts a lifetime. Charles Nelson Reilly, Brett Somers and Gene Rayburn – a cast of colorful characters the likes of which I’ve not seen topped yet.  The after parties were legendary to those in the know, and if you think Mr. Dawson and I weren’t closing down the bar with a couple of friendly ladies by our side every night then, well, you must have missed the first run of Family Feud.  

They don’t make glasses like that anymore.

Now, like Match Game, the NFL is full of colorful characters, but the level of class and respect demonstrated by NFL players (and coaches sometimes

) is

decreasing at an alarming rate. Take

Chad Ochocinco

… no, wait, wait … I can not

believe I just said those words. If someone told me five years ago that I would actually articulate the words ‘Chad Ochocinco

‘… I would think that I had another breakdown.

Chad bleeping Ochocinco; Sweet Mary the NFL is getting crazy, but I digress. Chad Ochocinco

said he would perform a Lambeau

Leap if he scored a touchdown. Again,

Chad is making it all about himself. He scored, and performed the Leap … despite the quote above from my dear friend Richard, the

Green Bay fans treated Ochocinco

with far more class than he deserved. And that one guy who gave him the finger? That guy reeks of class.

Speaking of class, I would be remiss if I did not mention the rumors currently surrounding my relationship with

Gisele Bundchen, aka Mrs.

Tom Brady. Now, we were hoping that the most recent photographs to hit the British tabloids would be quickly dismissed as an innocent meeting between two friends who share a common interest. That interest being swapping gum in the VIP room at any of a number of Manhattan nightclubs, of course. I bring this up not to disparage Mrs. Brady, who is a classy, classy woman – and I don’t say that about every model that has dated Leonardo DiCaprio. But rumors lead to speculation, and I want to say that there is only a very slim chance that the baby she is carrying is my responsibility. Certainly we were photographed holding hands together around the time she conceived, but that is purely circumstantial – and furthermore were I to be responsible I would certainly stand by her decision to see the pregnancy through. But again, I only bring it up to put the issue to rest; as we go to publication there is almost zero chance that the child is not Tom’s.

The weather was cold. The BetBot’s limo was not.

UPDATE – Well it appears that the sonogram results have been leaked as well. I just want to apologize to Gisele for this coming out before we were fully ready to handle the publicity. As for an explanation, need I connect the dots? I won’t drag a classy lady through the mud by expounding on the sordid details. Perhaps if Tom had spent as much time attending to his wife’s needs as he did designing his fancy new phallic logo, she wouldn’t have thrown herself into the arms of a more emotionally responsive partner. At this point I ask that you respect our privacy while we attend to the special needs of a high-risk pregnancy. Oh, and enjoy these NFL notes I kicked out prior to Week 3.

This does not imply Tom Brady is shooting blanks (but he probably is.)

NFC NOTES

– Jay Cutler

came around during the second half of the battle with the Steelers.

And he actually seemed to handle the victory with something regarding grace. Will wonders ever bleeping end? Which of these has been pulled more?

The tap at a fraternity party or the skin behind

Jerry Jones’

ears?

Who the hell did JJ pay off to get this kind of coverage for his …

BZZZT

… overblown shopping mall of a stadium?

The fact that he didn’t have to move that display above the field is bad enough, but for everyone to joke about the effect the display has on games (and it does, a small effect, sure, but it has an effect) is a bleeping shame. Somewhere

Tom Landry

is shaking his head in disgust.

How many replays were we going to see of the spearing hit on

Greg Olsen

during the game against the Steelers? The NFL doesn’t like hits like that? Please …

Drew Brees

is off to a nice start, but has anyone else noticed that New Orleans hardly ever uses

Reggie Bush? All he does is catch swing passes anymore – instead of running back can we call him a swing back, or is that too suggestive for a family website?

Is it time to panic over

Matt Forte? Not quite yet – check out the upcoming schedule that features the rust belt trifecta of defenses – Detroit, Cincinnati and Cleveland. Things are about to get better for Forte.

This week’s sign that concussions are bad for you

–

Steve Young

recently said that

Brett Favre was one of the Top 5 franchise QBs in the NFL. Hate to break it to you, Steve – but Favre hasn’t been a Top 5 QB in the NFL in about five years, probably longer depending on how you view the state of Green Bay Packers in the middle of this decade. Since 2005, he has 88 TDs and 84 INTs. Just using one example –

Eli Manning in the same span: 95 TDs, 66 INTs.

The Jerome Boger

Rush to Judgement

Section of the Article –

This is the part of the column where I turn off my rational heuristics and make a wild judgment based on limited, potentially biased data … kind of like my favorite NFL referee, Jerome Boger, aka Southern Sassy.

• Drew Brees

  will break the single season passing record.

• LeSean

  McCoy will out-gain Brian Westbrook this year.

• The Ravens will win the AFC North.

AFC NOTES

– We had a few big games last week – starting with one of my favorites,

Chris Johnson. We all know he can play, and the Titans are starting to understand that he needs the ball a lot more than

LenDale White – and all it took was Johnson’s 12.3 yards per carry average against Houston. So don’t say

Jeff Fisher isn’t a great coach; it only took him 18 games and a historically significant effort for him to understand how to divvy up carries in his backfield. Next time just listen to me genius.

Surprise! Denver is 2-0. Let’s put these guys on ice until they play someone outside the state of Ohio – well, well if it isn’t the Raiders on tap! I smell 3-0.

Speaking of 3-0, your New York Jets go for broke this week against the aforementioned Titans. Last week

Mark Sanchez proved what I’ve been saying all along – that he’s the best looking QB in the AFC East. It’s over, Tom. Let it go.

Anyway, if

Darth Belichick can’t slow down this juggernaut, there is no telling what will be left in his wake. Let’s just hope he doesn’t decide to create his own bleeping logo. 

Has anyone noticed that the Bills are acting a little frisky lately? I know the Buccaneers are awful, but it’s nice to see some points out of North America’s team – keep an eye on that offense when

Marshawn Lynch returns. I’m a fan of “Beast mode” but

Fred Jackson has earned a permanent spot in the lineup. I bet he’s a Top 10 back in your fantasy league and you didn’t even know it. 

Speaking of guys you didn’t see coming – how about

Cedric Benson and his 217 yards? Knowing what you know now, would you rather have him or

Maurice Jones-Drew on your team?

BetBot Picks of the Week That Nobody Else Likes

So I get e-mails all the time telling me how terrible my picks are. Last week I went 1-2, so I guess johnnynyROCKS was right.

Giants -6.5 over BUCS – I cannot fully express how bad

Byron Leftwich is going to hurt on Monday.

BENGALS +4 over Steelers –

Ben Roethlisberger will be running for his life – pretty much all the Bengals can do is rush the passer. It’s good to focus on one thing, like if you’re good at origami – stick with it! That’s my uplifting message for this week.

Packers -6.5 over RAMS – Last week the Rams did me a solid by beating the spread against Washington.  This is just to prove that no good deed goes unpunished.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”