Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Drew Brees – Some of you might know about the BZZZZT…year Brees is having, but most probably don’t. Being a QB in San Diego is kinda like being a nun in Las Vegas, people see you BZZZT and know you’re there, but would rather not BZZZT… acknowledge you. 682 yards and 6 TDs isn’t gaudy, but pretty good for a guy who may available in your league. If your QB is out, you could do much worse than this kid, who is fighting for his job.
RB – Moe Williams – Apparently the Vikings have hired a new running backs coach. Between the knee problems and the substance abuse, I’m guessing it’s….BZZZT….Tonya Harding. Butter face, in great shape, Harding would make a fantastic showgirl! Williams tweaked a calf in practice this week, but insists he’ll be ready to play now that Bennett and Smith are on the shelf. You need to know 2 things here: 1)He’s about to be a starting running back, and 2)Minny’s schedule over the next 4 weeks includes games against Houston, New Orleans, and Tennessee, three of the worst run…BZZZT…they suck. Watch for Mewelde Moore, the….BZZZT…. rookie who’ll step in when Jeff Gillooly takes out Williams with a tire iron.
RB – Michael Pittman – Is Pittman a sleeper? I don’t know, but he shouldn’t be starting for your fantasy team except when he’s playing the Saints, who just traded for….BZZZT….a cornerback! Tampa Bay’s offense looks awful, but New Orleans made Emmitt Smith look like a….BZZZT….monster NFL running back. Speaking of which….
RB – Emmitt Smith – I like all the fantasy gurus riding my coattails with Smith, charging out the old cliché that Smith’s demise was “greatly exaggerated” AFTER his week 4 explosion. Let me make one thing ….BZZZT….clear – Smith’s demise happened 3 or 4 years ago. Playing ugly run defenses will tend to boost stats, see….BZZZT…Griffin v. Chiefs, Week 1. It doesn’t take a robot with 50+ years of football handicapping experience to spot when New Orleans is coming to town. BZZZT….Smith rolled a YO! on the come-out in week 4. Do yourself a favor and parlay your bet for one more roll this week against a dismal Niners defense. Just remember that playing Smith is just like playing craps…..BZZZT….eventually you’ll lose. Oh, and like that back-to-back YO! you won’t be seeing Smith much after this week. Seattle, Buffalo, and Miami loom on the horizon – trading Smith next Monday will be fantasy’s perfect crime. I said it’s….BZZZT…perfect!
WR – Randy Hymes – One thing I like a lot is telling jamokes, “I told you BZZZZT so.” And about Randy Hymes, I was right! This guy should be a 3rd WR on your team, and a good spot starter if you BZZZT…are in a bind. The Ravens are in Washington this week, and Hymes should be Boller’s #1 target. If Heap is back , the number of times Hymes is targeted should drop – but look for him to be more open, as defenses concentrate on the tight end more…BZZZT.
WR – Ronald Curry – Sure the BZZZT Raiders aren’t the best team. But they are doing better than most people predicted. And with a new younger QB leading the Raiders, I fully expect BZZZT him to add even a little more jot to this offense. Curry will be off most owners BZZZT radar, buried in the depth chart behind the suddenly aging Jerry Rice and Doug Gabriel. But Curry has quietly become the #2 leader in receptions on BZZZT a team that has been throwing the ball more than a little. And he has great numbers playing at home – so with 2 of the next 3 being at BZZZT home for the Raiders, he should be looking good. He’s just 2 catches shy of BZZZT Porter, so grab this kid quick – if it’s not already too late. If you need another reason – I’ll give you BZZZT three: @Indy, home against Denver, and home against the Saints. ‘Nuff BZZZT said.
TE – Richard Owens – Another BZZZT Viking? Hey kids, I don’t make this stuff up, I just BZZZT tell it like it is. The Vikes (that’s Minnesota – not Green Bay which is the BZZZT Vicodins) have had some injuries at the TE spot. Owens is the latest to step into the starting role. With the way Culpepper is BZZZT throwing the ball, Owens will definitely see some action in the coming weeks. Toss in a match up against the under-performing Texans D, and the BZZZT terrible D that New Orleans will throw at the Vikes in week 6, and you BZZZT got yourself a 2 week starter in Owens.
K – Kris Brown – Don’t write him off because he plays for Houston. He already has 10 FG attempts this year and the immediate schedule looks…BZZZT…pretty yummy. Probably in the top 10 for kicker scoring in your league and will probably be available whenever you need him…BZZZT…like a good mistress.
Team Defense – Cardinals – The only thing deader in the desert than the Cardinals are the carcasses of the jamokes who stiffed the casinos in the glory days of Sin City. Their bodies litter the American Southwest, the way cigar ash litters my BZZZT hotel room floor, but the Cardinals defense is an investment you should look into. Even before they played the awful Saints, they were putting up good fantasy numbers. 4 INTS, 9 sacks and 8 BZZZT fumble recoveries!! I guess in that heat, the other team has the ball so much, they are due to drop it every once in awhile. Team defense scoring is about as big a crap-shoot there is in fantasy football, but the Cardinals are BZZZT beating the house so far.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
Thanks for your advice last week! I was in a bye week bind and started Emmitt Smith and Randy Hymes, and won pretty easily. I have a question about gin, however. I have am having a party this week and want to make martinis, what gin should I use, and what sort of martinis should I make?
Dear Mike P.,
Well, you’ve come to the right place for advice, but let’s get one thing straight. There is only one kind of Martini – Gin and vermouth (dry). Sure, sure, some peons replace the Gin with vodka, a much less classy beverage that tastes like air so it’s popular with the chicks, see. In addition, a lot of marketers have been butchering the holy name Martini with glorified shooter drinks and putting the suffix –tini on them. Vodka and grape juice is a frat party well drink, not a…BZZZZT… “Grapetini”. Let me lay out a few ground rules to help you out.
If your drink has a non-alcoholic liquid in it, it’s…BZZZT…not a Martini. Exception – a dirty Martini, which is a regular Martini with a splash of olive juice…BZZZT…yum.
If you have to drink vodka, and I don’t…BZZZT…recommend it, make sure there’s Gin involved. Try The Vesper, a classy cocktail first introduced in Ian Fleming’s first James Bond novel, Casino Royale. Three parts Gin, one part vodka, ½ part Lillet Blonde, and a lemon peel…BZZZT…oh my.
Martinis should be mixed by shaking them thoroughly with ice and then serving immediately when they are…BZZZT…ice cold.
Regarding olives: When asked how many olives to put in a Martini, Frank once told me “Two – one for me and one for the next lady that walks in the room”. Like I always said about Mr. Sinatra ,he’s a good man, a good bleeping man.
Oh, and about the Gin, just about anything that doesn’t come in a plastic jug will do the trick, but you’ll impress more snobs with a top shelf brand like…BZZZT…Bombay Sapphire. If you can find Tanqueray Malacca at your liquor store…BZZZT…buy them all and then call me. If you enjoy Gin like I do…BZZZT…try a Beefeater.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT gin.