Thursday - Jan 17, 2019

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The Sin City BetBot 6000 Presents

Initially
built by NASA to set lines for the

Las
Vegas
casinos in the late 1950s (Who do you think
funded the Apollo missions? The government?

It was the mob …), The

Sin

City
Betbot

6000
calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot

was given various
upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very
good at setting lines, and living the good life.

 

The
Betbot

was
de-commissioned in 1990 after

San Francisco
destroyed

Denver
in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s

wires and he retired.
The Betbot

was
discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives
now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL.

The

Sin

City

Betbot

6000 Presents is
transcribed by Joe Petrizzi

and Tom Walls because “typing

BZZT … is
a dame’s job.”

 

 

Bud Adams

is a good friend of
mine. And while I agree with him that drunk

Bills fans can go ‘F’

themselves, the general public wants him to
get his randy emotions under control and not be so out-in-the-open with his
displeasure. I think this is a load of crap –

Adams
is a good man, a good bleeping man. And you just can’t put a price on an old
Texas oil man telling it like it is – really, Bud is both rich and old,
combining two traits that lend to his not giving “a hoot” what people think. This
reminds me of the time my old agent

Abe Schein

let his true feelings be
known to

Tony ‘My Left Foot’ Parnazzi

after a disagreement regarding gate receipts after
one of my All Star Revues at Tony’s

night club.

Abe gave him the one-finger salute, called him

… BZZT…

a rather nasty name, and
promptly lost all of the money that was owed to us and his left middle finger.
Tony let Abe keep his right middle finger because, “he needs all his fingers on
that hand to better count my money.” Now that’s a situation that called
for a bit more discretion on Abe’s part. Consider that all

Adams had to do was apologize for his behavior and pony
up a tidy $250,000 fine, and that’s only because he was caught on a phone
camera (like he even thought that would be possible) and of course everyone
blew it out of proportion. First, to the media, can’t we just appreciate an old
whale taking advantage of his chance to get the blood flowing one more time? You
know, he doesn’t have a lot of these moments left. And second, to Bud – tell
these humps to stick it. I hope you went home all fired up last Sunday night
and enjoyed a nice session with a 25-year-old stewardess – I know that’s what I
did.

 

NFC NOTES

I said it before about
the NFC West and now say the same about the NFC East: does anyone want to win
this thing or what?

Somebody
will eventually win the division, but they should be an easy out for whoever
they play in the second round of the playoffs. I would say the first round,
however

(see the next item)

 

The NFC is such a mound of
crap, pencil in the Vikings and Saints in for a very entertaining NFC
Championship game, but the rest of the season and playoffs will be a complete
bore.

 

Steven Jackson

is showing me something
this season. After being a crybaby last year, he is stepping up and giving his
all

for a
bad team.

 

Mike Shanahan

or

Bill

Cowher

in

Chicago next year?

Shanahan makes the most
sense given the fact that


Jay

‘Two Faces of Eve’ Cutler

is slinging the ball (to everyone, especially the
opposing team!) in

Chicago.

Lovie

Smith

has completely lost the
team, and the rest of the season will be very painful.

Julius Peppers

broke
his hand and so he’ll be playing for a while with a cast, which I love to see
because it’s like he’s playing with a club on his hand. I fail to see how this
is a disadvantage – he’s basically replacing a human hand with a blunt
object. Just once I’d like to see a guy with a broken hand put a hook
there instead of a club, just to see if he could get away with it.  Sounds
like something the XFL would have done.

 

The Jerome Boger

Rush to Judgement

Section of the Article –

t

his is
the part of the column where I turn off my rational heuristics and make a wild
judgment based on limited, potentially biased data … kind of like my favorite
NFL referee, Jerome Boger, aka Southern Sassy.

 

The ‘BB’ on the Patriots head
coach’s sweatshirt doesn’t stand for

Bill Belichick, it stands for

Bet Bot

no Bill, I

will not help. Ever
since you stiffed me on the bill at

Delmonico’s

the night before you
resigned as Jets head coach … well, let’s just say I find you a reprehensible
nudnik. Look, the

BB Signal

won’t

work on me; apologize, and I may give you some
advice (one piece of free advice, get

Tom Brady

to change that damned logo
– it looks like genitalia). I’ll get back to you in a second.

 

Jon Gruden

doesn’t seem to
criticize anyone on Monday Night Football, but I like his schtick

. H

e and

Ron

Jaworski

are good foils for each
other. I hope he stays one more year in the booth (when compared with some of
the other choices out there, Gruden

is by far the best of a poor lot).

 

AFC NOTES

I don’t know what’s
going to happen to the Titans for the rest of the season, although at 3-6 and
in a tough AFC I know that the playoffs won’t be happening.  But you have
to like the way the offense has looked with

Vince Young under center and

Chris Johnson carrying the load. It only took

Jeff Fisher a
season and a half to figure out what I’ve been saying since C.J. was drafted. Sit
that fat turd

LenDale White and let your best players play. He made the
same mistake this year, needing a push from Bud Adams to insert V.Y. back in
the lineup. Fisher is just not a good coach. He blew this season, but hopefully
whoever is coaching the team next year won’t be such a numbnuts.

 

Wow,

Eric Mangini is
under a lot of people’s skin nowadays. I mean, it’s plain to see how
overmatched he is as a head coach but for crying out loud, it’s not like he
inherited a juggernaut. The Browns have almost no elite players at the skill
positions, so when

Joshua Cribbs gets dinged up on a somewhat
meaningless play at the end of the last game, Mangini gets heat. You know what?
The game wasn’t over, how about

Cleveland
stops acting like a bunch of coddled pro athletes and start playing with some
pride? Yeah, I’m looking at you,

Jamal Lewis. You and your 3.6 yards per
carry (same as last year!) are part of the problem – you should be genuflecting
in front of Mangini for leaving your rotting carcass on the roster and allowing
you to pick up a paycheck. But nooooo, you feel the need turn on the siren
in the whaaaambulance. I’d go on but you’d probably have one of your drug buddies
try to clip me in front of a 7-11 and take out a few innocent bystanders in the
process, and I don’t want that on my conscience.

 

The Colts are 9-0 again, and
anytime some team goes undefeated late in the season you know who’s going to start
popping off. Yeah, the 1972 Miami Dolphins should be making an appearance any
day now. To borrow an analogy from Ed Reid’s magnificent book Green Felt Jungle,

Mercury Morris
appears around an undefeated NFL team the same way maggots appear on a
corpse. Let me just say this now so I can get it off my chest – I was
there in ‘72 and it was a completely different game.  Bragging about being
undefeated 30 years ago is like bragging that you could drive a car without
using a seat belt in 1972. Yeah that’s great, and we had some brilliant
acid then, too! 

Mike Webster got brain damage and a miserable
retirement while these clowns get to live on and annoy the hell out of people and
robots around the country. That’s not fair.

 

A lot of people have been
asking me what I thought about the Patriots going for it on 4th-and-2
from their own zone. You know,

Bill Belichick is a creep and an arrogant
prick, but there’s a lot of evidence to suggest that he made the right call
there. Only two yards, with

Tom Brady under center, to ice the game? Hard
to criticize. Of course, only a head coach with Belichick’s resume could possibly
have the stones to make that call – and given the unbridled passion and
ignorance with which the pasty sports establishment came after him, can you
blame NFL head coaches for playing it safe on these things? Everyone loves
to see a bully get his comeuppance, and in that respect I’m enjoying this quite
a bit. But from a pure football perspective, I kind of like the move. Turns out
that Brady’s logo isn’t the only thing in the

New England
locker room with some balls.

BetBot Picks of the Week That Nobody Else Likes

So I get e-mail all the time
telling me how terrible my picks are. Last week I went 1-2 to put me at 13-11
on the year.

This
week I’m going all home dogs.

DENVER (+3) over

San Diego – I love taking the Broncos at home
in a division game. The fact that I get points this time makes it even sweeter.

KANSAS CITY (+10) over

Pittsburgh – Steelers fans say I have it in
for their team.  Not really, the D is just wildly overrated and I find
going against them to be quite profitable (3-6 ATS)

TAMPA

BAY
(+11.5) over

New Orleans

Josh Freeman is showing a little bit of moxie. I kind of feel like he’ll
play spoiler once or twice down the stretch. I mean, in terms of beating this
spread – the Saints should win but I see some backdoor magic from the rookie
Bucs quarterback.

So long for now, and remember “Showgirls
and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT … gin.”

About Fantasy Sharks

FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.