Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Drew Brees – I try to keep the …BZZZZT …repeats in this column to a minimum, but I will tell you about this kid one more time. This guy should BZZZZT be starting for you if have an injury problem or a bye week issue, and you BZZZZZT…should trade for him if you are stuck with starting QBs like Garcia and Delhomme. Brees may not light the world on fire, but he should be a steady QB if you are in need. BZZZZT… he performed well against a stingy Jacksonville defense last week, with 2 TDs to emerging TE star Antonio Gates.
Tomlinson should keep most defenses more honest than President Eisenhower, who is by the way, a good man, a good bleeping man. Now that man was a President who took responsibility for his actions…BZZZT…unlike everyone since JFK. This week’s matchup may be a tough one for the Chargers’ passing game against the Falcons on the road. Going forward, however, Brees should be a good option for your team.
QB – Brian Griese – Another thing I try to avoid is recommending Tampa Bay offensive…BZZZT… players. This column features 3 Tampa players. Yep…3. I don’t like it, and you don’t like it, so let’s get through these as quickly as possible. Griese filled in admirably for the injured Chris Simms, who filled in for the old Brad Johnson. 16 of 19 for 194 yards and a TD(and no INTs)! I don’t care if you’re playing the Saints, that’s good.
Griese may not keep the starting job, but he may have to chuck the ball down the field early and often versus the Rams. Griese could end up with a bunch of yards. If your starting QB is out…BZZZT…Griese could be a good one week pick up. One …BZZT… note of caution, while Griese may put up good yards, the Rams defense is quite a bit better than the Saints. If you get penalized for INTs, realize he may put up a couple of INTs this week…BZZZZZT
RB – Michael Pittman, Michael Pittman – he’s back from NFL Purgatory and ready to contribute to the Buccaneers. 51 rushing yards on 15 carries is…bad, especially against the Saints, but he did manage 5 catches for 29 yards. One thing… BZZZT… with this guy, he should stay involved in the offense, Alstott will vulture some carries, but Pittman will be the main man for Tampa.
RB – Jesse Chatman – Tough week to find some RBs, but that’s why I’m here – to…BZZZT…drink Gin and reminisce about the Rat Pack. A lot of GOO-ROOS are still calling Mewelde Moore and Artose Pinner sleepers, but that’s…BZZZT…beneath me. Chatman’s in a tough spot this week, what with him backing up LaDainian Tomlinson and going against the tough Falcons D, but the future looks better. First, note that Chatman’s scored in each of the past two games during some San Diego routs. Then consider that upcoming defenses include Carolina, Oakland, New Orleans, and Oakland again. Like my boy Jimmy Quizno says…mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm…Toasty.
NOT Chester Taylor – Trendy “sleeper” pick here, but you don’t want the Ravens RB going against the Bills and Eagles. I like the idea of starting Taylor as much as I like Jerry Lewis…BZZZT…start him only if you’re French. Dean Martin was a good man. A good bleeping man.
WR – Johnnie Morton – Did I ever tell you about the time Mr. Frank Sinatra lost his temper in front of me? BZZZT Now, Frank is a classy, classy man – but he did not suffer fools lightly, and he had quite a mean streak…it took a lot to get him mad, but once he gets mad BZZZT BZZZT look out!! Thankfully Mr. Sinatra did not get angry at me, but he got really angry at a mouthy bellhop at the Sands in 1965. He got so angry, he gave that Bellhop a Louisiana Red Eye (Editor’s note – According to the Betbot, the Red Eye is the act of burning someone with a cigarette. A Louisiana Red Eye is burning someone with a cigar. We do not condone either of these acts.). I tell BZZZZT you this story because that bellhop’s name was…Johnnie Morton, the next day Mr. Sinatra bought the bellhop a new Caddy as a way to say he regretted losing his temper. Frank Sinatra is a good man, a good bleeping man.
Johnnie Morton of the Chiefs is no relation to this Sands bellhop, but he is having a nice year, and can probably afford a very nice Caddy of his own. 17 receptions this year for 225 yards. Not bad. He hasn’t found the end zone yet BZZZZT…and probably won’t be a frequent red zone target, but with Holmes and Gonzalez, defenses may play closer to the line of scrimmage than they normally do. This would give Morton a better chance at longer TDs.
WR – Charles Lee –I like this kid. I like this Charles Lee. He was targeted 6 times last week versus the Saints. He caught 4 balls for 76 yards, 3 of those catches netted the Buccaneers a first down. A first down 75% of the time Lee caught the ball, a first down 50% of the time he was targeted, not bad.
One thing that concerns me, 8 of Lee’s 11 catches this year (slow starter) have been in the first half of games. It could be that Tampa QBs were like a girl working the old Kitty-Kat Klub. If it got to be late at night, they wanted a reliable mark. A …BZZZT…guy they know will deliver a good tip in the clutch…BZZZT…Look at Tim Brown as a comparison, he won’t set the world on fire, but 11 of his total 17 catches this year have been in the 2nd half. That…BZZZT…is a WR the guys slinging the ball in Tampa can count on. I think that last week’s game, with 2 catches in the 2nd half may make Griese more comfortable with Lee, and he may get more action late in the game; just like one of the marks at the Kitty Kat Klub. Here’s something else to keep in mind, he did better last game than he has all year, with someone besides Brad Johnson starting. The QB change in Tampa could be a very good thing for Lee owners.
WR – T. J. Houshmandzadeh – 12 targets during their last game versus the Steelers. That’s a lot. T.J. had 6 catches for 53 yards, not great, but …BZZZT… Mr. Housh…BZZZT…Houshman…BZZZZT… SPEAKERBOX OVERLOAD*WARNING*
T.J. is still a part of the Bengal offense. With Peter Warrick still out, T.J. will start on the other side of Chad Johnson. The Browns secondary will likely be bearing a grudge against Mr. Johnson also. I don’t think they appreciated Chad Fedex-ing them some Pepto-Bismol the other …BZZT…day. (Here’s the story http://www.bengals.com/press/news.asp?iCurPage=0&news_id=2459 )…The Browns have the 9th worst passing defense in the NFL. Chad and TJ could cause a lot of Pepto moments for the Browns defense Sunday.
TE – I like to soak myself in Tanqueray and Tonic and play a lot of Super Tecmo Bowl against IBM’s Deep Blue (a good bleeping machine and a dear friend of mine). Whenever I score with Stephen Baker, I yell “Stephen Baker…BZZZT…Touchdown Maker! OOOOHHHHH!” I recommend that those of you in need of tight end help look at Stephen’s younger brother (or maybe cousin) Chris Baker. Like another Jets player I admire, Joe Namath, Baker’s scored a few times recently. When the schedule says San Francisco, the BetBot says…BZZZT…BZZZT…BZZZT…nice.
Team Defense – Dallas Cowboys – They may be out of favor in your league because they haven’t scored any TDs yet, but consider their next two games. First, Pittsburgh comes to Texas with a rookie QB. As I write this, Bill Parcells is licking his chops. And that’s not some kind of fat joke…BZZZT…yes it is. Then, the Cowboys go to Green Bay to catch a few Brett Favre mistakes, and lately Favre’s looked like Richard Burton after his second Liz Taylor stretch…BZZZT…sigh. Burton once told me “I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink.” Now that’s AGM. AGBM.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
I am moving to Las Vegas next month. My dream is to get it on with a showgirl. Can you tell me how to best go about this?
Dallas, TX (soon to be Las Vegas)
Let’s get one thing straight. You do not ‘get it on’ with a Vegas …BZZZT…showgirl, or any other proper lady for that …BZZZZT…matter. You don’t ‘hit’ or ‘bang’ or whatever with a lady. My good friend, Joey Bishop, once …BZZZZT…told me, “My friend, if you call the act of love with a lady a vulgar verb, that’s all it will ever be to you. A vulgar verb…”. Joey Bishop is a good man, a good bleeping man. Keep that in mind when dealing with the fairer sex. I have to assume you are rather young, and don’t know any better, so consider yourself… BZZZT… educated.
Now, I will give you two methods for having a ‘Session of Sweet’ with a Vegas showgirl.
1) Ol’ Blue Eyes himself, Frank Sinatra. Lay down some of his tunes and any woman with a heart will melt…BZZZZT…right in your arms. As close to a guarantee as there is. Of course, you have to be a gentleman, and not some kind of dirty …BZZZZT… animal, who doesn’t know his manners around a woman.
To put this in mathematical terms: Ol’ Blue Eyes=Session of Sweet
2) I will share with you my second most favorite method of having a Session of Sweet with a Vegas…BZZZZT…showgirl. Once you get the showgirl (or any broad for that matter) back to your place after a good meal, do the following:
a. Mix and serve a high class martini
b. Start some sort of philosophical …BZZZZT…conversation…Like about God or death, you know something high-brow
c. Start playing disc 2 of Jesus Christ Superstar’s soundtrack. I don’t…BZZZT… normally go for that Rock and Roll twang-twang music like the Beatles, but this is just the thing. It works, take it from me.
If you are not having a Session of Sweet by time I Don’t Know How to Love Him starts playing – well there will be no Sessions of Sweet for you that night.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT gin.