Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Kurt Warner (NYG) – Look let’s get one thing out of the way right here. Kurt Warner’s Wife – would I want to have a BZZZT …Session of Sweet with her? The answer is a resounding YES…She’s sassy and has a great body…BZZZT… The camera shots you get of her are not flattering, and it looks like her hair was cut by a leatherneck out too long in the desert, but she has…BZZZZT…the skills to pay the bills.
Now – onto her hubby, Kurt. You may not think this pick is a very deep sleeper, but you don’t pay my bills, Mr. Tony Holm does. Let me tell you something, Tony Holm knows how to have a good time, and is a dear friend of mine…He’s a good man, a good bleeping man. Eli Manning, the crybaby who whined his way out of San Diego was supposed to be starting now, according to some ‘experts’, but Warner has found his groove in Jersey and should hold onto the job. He’ll put up some good numbers versus a Lions team who realized recently that they are supposed to be bad.
RB – Sammy Morris (MIA) – Well, you have probably heard this one already, but he is the current guy for the Dolphins running game. The thing is, he had a good day last week versus a very good rushing defense in Buffalo. Buffalo is currently ranked the 5th best rush defense in the NFL, they’re really good at stopping the run…BZZZT…Now keep in mind, the Dolphins are up against the Rams this week, so this may be a high scoring game, which may take the running game out of the equation for Miami.
Call me malfunctioning, but I kinda like …BZZZZT…the Dolphins this week. The game is in Miami and maybe Mike…BZZZT… Martz decides to put on some kind of passing clinic this week instead of playing football to win the game. I think this game stays close and Mr. Morris gets a chance to hit 100 yards this week. Morris had a little more than 5 yards per carry last week against a good Bills defense. Look for him to get 17-20 carries this week as the Dolphins try to keep the Rams offense off the field.
RB – Ritchie Anderson (DAL) – If you’ve got the room on your bench to stash this guy for a few …BZZZT…weeks, do it now. Anderson is the most effective back in …BZZZT… Dallas right now, even if Parcells doesn’t realize it yet. This week won’t be a great one facing the reju…BZZZT…venated Packers in Lambeau, but look for Anderson to see increased looks in the two weeks following that. He should post good enough numbers to be a flex RB against the two “big cat” teams, who are playing more like kittens these days, the struggling Lions and …BZZZT… Bengals. Speaking of big cats, do yourself a favor and check out the …BZZZT… Kit Kat Lounge if you’re ever in Vegas. It’s all about the …BZZZT… dames, baby.
WR – Eric Parker (SD) – What happens when Keenan McCardell comes into town for the Chargers? We don’t know how McCardell will pan out, and how much time he’ll get, but, in the long run, it should help Parker. Parker…BZZZT… was targeted 8 times in Atlanta’s win over San Diego last week. With Reche Caldwell out, Parker will be Drew Brees’ favorite WR target again this week. Parker had 6 grabs for 76 yards and a touchdown. Parker had…BZZZT… 4 first downs, so 5 out of 6 of Parker’s grabs were for a first down or touch down, that’s a WR a QB can count on.
Tomlinson and Gates keep the defenses…BZZZT… closer to the line of scrimmage, which makes for longer pass plays when complete. The Chargers play the wounded Panthers this week, in Carolina. I don’t like back-to-back cross-country trips for West Coast teams, so the Chargers…BZZZZT… probably won’t win, but Parker should be a good fill in for you if you need one.
TE –Mark Campbell (BUF) – Over the first four weeks, this guy was like H.G. Well’s Invisible Man, except he wore a lot less bandages. It wasn’t that he didn’t have …BZZZT… talent, or even …BZZZT… moxie (as Frank Sinatra would have said; and Frank was a good man, a good bleeping man). The Bills promised they’d get Campbell more involved, and lookie there – they actually did. This kid’s had a TD in each of his last …BZZZT… two games, and they’ll need him again this week as a safety valve against the vaunted Ravens defense. From what I’ve seen so far, Campbell looks like he should …BZZZT… be a decent option for the rest of the season if your team is hurting for some TE …BZZZT… loving.
K –Matt Bryant (MIA) – Another Miami player?!? Am I out of my …BZZZT…ing mind? Not nearly as much as when I had my first sip of spiked 40-weight at my prom, I can tell you that. Bryant is a solid choice for a kicker with …BZZZT… Mare nursing an injury. Oh sure, the Dolphins stink; but since their offense doesn’t get many red zone chances, they do get their fair share of …BZZZT… Field Goal attempts. That’s where Bryant comes in, get it? The Rams defense isn’t going to shut anyone out this season, so expect Bryant to put up a couple …BZZZT… FGs this weekend against Saint Louie.
Team Defense – Broncos (DEN) – This unit hasn’t scored many fantasy points all season, so why should they start now, right? Well, they actually have a …BZZZT…great yards and points against average. They are tops in the league in yards against and 2nd in the league in points allowed. They just aren’t leaving a mark on many leagues Defensive Team scoring lists (kinda like when one of the casinos want to teach a welcher a lesson, but not …BZZZT… leave any marks; they use a sack of oranges and beat the …BZZZT… outta the chiseler. Serves them right the little …BZZZT…BZZZT… where was I? Oh yeah — the Broncos. A D/ST doesn’t play this well and keep posting low sack and INT numbers, so look for the Broncos to continue their week 6 improvement against the lackluster Bengals this week.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
Thanks for the advice on sleepers last week. Your advice was OK, you missed on Brees but I did OK starting Pittman on your advice – but the Brees pick nearly cost me my game. Anyway, I was wondering if you ever thought about getting into Show Biz yourself?
Dear John R.,
The next time you want to give somebody…BZZZZT… a backhanded compliment – don’t. Understand there is nothing worse than thanking somebody with a smirk. That sort of thing can get you in a lot of trouble, just ask an old business partner of mine, Joey Hatchback. Wait, you can’t ask Joey Hatchback about that, he’s in a 1979 Honda…BZZT… Civic somewhere under Lake Tahoe … allegedly.
I will assume that you are young and don’t know any better, so I’ll answer your second question…BZZZZT…Yes, I have been involved with show business in the past, I mean besides being a confidant of the Rat Pack, I have been involved in many productions. I have produced and directed many shows in Sin City, and that has led to many Sessions of Sweet with many a lucky …BZZT…showgirl.
I even predicted the comeback of 50s type songs and wrote a song…BZZZT… Slip Slap (I got the Clap), which peaked at number 122 on Billboards Top 200 in the Summer of 1977. Unfortunately for me, the…BZZZT… guys who wrote Splish Splash heard the song and sued me. Eh, I knew writing songs couldn’t be that easy.
My real love, however, is …BZT…writing. Yeah – I wrote a series of Victorian romance novels in the early 70s. A trilogy I called A Sixpence for your Bedclothes, about three working class broads who had to make sacrifices and compromises, on the street and in the bedroom. Pretty racy stuff…BZZZT… I have to admit. Maybe you can go on Amazon.com and look them up. They are called…
The Surprising Quickening of Eliza Mayhew
The Scandalous Sausaging of Maggie Lovefield
The Mysterious Loosening of Beatrice Quickham
So, I have been around, setting…BZZZT… lines was just my job, you know? You gotta keep yourself active, that’s what my inventor said. Good luck to all of you this week…BZZZT…I hope these picks …BZZZZT…work out for you.
PS – Get well soon…BZZZT… Noreen.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at email@example.com.
So long-and remember- Showgirls and gin, my friends, showgirls and…BZZZT…gin.