Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City
Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Jay Fiedler (Mia) – Listen, I know that Miami sucks, but I’m programmed to find the players way under the radar. I mean, really under the radar. Like all these Red Sox fans before …BZZZT… last Wednesday. If there’s one thing God hates, it’s a bandwagon …BZZZT… fan. I know because I asked my dear friend Reynold what God hates and he told me. As a CRAY-2 supercomputer, Rey has the advanced computing necessary to figure God out – unfortunately he can also figure out that I cheat at cards, but …BZZZT… I can still drink him under the table. Fiedler has a nice match-up against a questionable Jets D under the prime time lights on Monday night. His recent stats have been pretty solid – check your league for the last 3 games and you’ll find that he’s been comparable to guys you plug in without thinking, like Tom Brady and Matt Hasselbeck. Plus he’s ripe for a classic Fielder 1-yard TD plunge …BZZZT… Ricky Williams owners know what I’m talking about. And to all you jamokes wearing the crisp new BoSox gear, cut the …BZZZT… damn price tags off already.
RB – Jesse Chatman (SD) – I told you about him …BZZZT… weeks ago. If you still haven’t picked him up, go submit the waiver claim right now and then come back. Unless you’re reading a printed version of this on the toilet, in which case …BZZZT… by all means relax and take your time. If you own Tomlinson and don’t have Chatman, well …BZZZT… you get the Dan Quayle “I’m as dumb as I look” award for this season. Dan Quayle, now there’s a sod who couldn’t hold his liquor.
Antowain Smith (Ten) – If you believe that Chris Brown won’t be able to play this week because of a turf toe issue (he is fragile) AND you believe that the Bengals aren’t nearly as good as they played last Monday (I do), take a look at Smith. He reminds me of Gordon’s Gin. Definitely not my first choice, but I wouldn’t …BZZZT… pour it down the drain. Gordon’s was actually quite popular with martini expert James Bond (AGM, AGBM) if you like books. Also, when it’s 2 AM and you’re taking a bath at the craps table, you won’t … BZZZT… turn away a Gordon’s. I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you need help at RB this week …BZZZT… sorry.
WR – David Patten (NE) – He may be going unnoticed in your league, but he’s scored 4 times already this season. New England has a great offense that can move the ball and they love throwing in the red zone. They …BZZZT… bleeping love the 2 yard TD pass. It’s an odd injury situation there at WR, and Patten has been getting some love this year. His only bad games were against tough defenses (Miami and Arizona). Yes, Arizona – remember when I …BZZZT… told you about them a few weeks ago and then they beat Seattle into submission? Pittsburgh has a pretty good defense, but Tom Brady will move the ball. I like that Tom Brady because he’s a damngood looking man. He brings the ladies over to the bar to watch the game and that’s important because …BZZZT… I don’t like to move more than 5 feet from the bartender. The ladies come over to see Brady but they stay for the BetBot. It’s …BZZZT… inevitable. As my good friend Gene Simmons sings about my legendary abilities – “I was made for loving you, BetBot, you were made for loving me.” Actually, I was made for setting the lines, as you know, but “You were made to make book but somehow I find you irresistible anyway” didn’t fit into the chorus. By the way, KISS are …BZZZT… good men. Good Bleeping Men.
TE – Kyle Brady (Jax) – Brady probably fell off the radar of the other owners in your league a long time ago. That’s how it is with …BZZZT… tight ends, if you don’t see ’em you forget about ’em, just like some of my markers at the Golden Nugget. But just like a few associates of the Nugget …BZZZT… “reminded” me of my obligations, Brady is back in the fantasy football consciousness after returning from injury and showing he’s …BZZZT… still a part of the Jags offensive plans. If your TE isn’t pulling his weight, consider Brady in the weeks to come, playing for a Jags team that …BZZZT… plays over its head, but will still need a solid TE as an offensive outlet.
D/ST – Chargers (SD)- This defense is not good, make no mistake about it. But my …BZZZT… logic circuits point towards one simple fact that says they’ll be good this weekend – they face …BZZZT… Kerry Collins and his interception-prone arm. Now San Diego is normally known for knockout broads, and not their defense (at least in recent years), but this week do yourself a favor and grab the Chargers as a bye week replacement. And while you’re at it, grab yourself one of them fine …BZZZT… San Diego broads, too. Ring-a-…BZZZT…-ding-ding.
K – Neil Rackers (Ari) – I like to think of kickers as the green 0 and 00 on the roulette wheel – they won’t often win you anything, but not having …BZZZT… some action on one is gonna kill you. Now Rackers isn’t the most accurate kicker in the league, and he certainly doesn’t play for a good offense in Arizona. But the kid’s got two things I like in a kicker – a leg like a …BZZZT… cannon, and moxie. (Never underestimate moxie, Dean Martin once told me. And
Dean Martin was a good man, a good bleepin’ man.) He’s probably still available in most leagues playing for the …BZZZT… Cards, so grab this kid and watch yourself get a bonus point for every 50+ yarder he nails.
Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week
You can’t spell ‘Grogan’ without ‘Groan’
When playing with the Patriots against a human opponent, remember to substitute backup QB Marc Wilson for Steve Grogan immediately. Wilson’s just a better QB. His passes are more accurate, and Irving Fryar loves pulling down the Wilson balloon ball. Grogan will overthrow Fryar right into a … BZZZT… defensive back’s waiting arms. Some purists may cry foul at removing the starter, but leaving Grogan in only merits consideration if you’re playing the computer AI and looking for a challenge.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
You always talk about Vegas like it’s the only place to gamble. Well, I live in Pennsylvania, and I love Atlantic City. Why don’t you ever talk about AC?
Dear Tom B.,
I’m sorry. I truly am. Not for not mentioning Atlantic City, but for …BZZZT… the abuse you must have suffered as a child. Obviously, for you to think AC holds a candle to Vegas means that your mother must have dropped you on your head more than a few times. Additionally, your father must have frequently used your head as a …BZZZT… anvil.
Vegas is a magical town, surrounded by golden sands, that boasts some of the …BZZZT… finest looking broads in the world as showgirls, some of the best tasting gins on the planet, and the hottest action located in the center of the gambling universe.
In contrast, Atlantic City is a sad, almost down-on-its-luck town, surrounded by gray sands that end along brown waters, it boasts a few of the cheapest call girls, some of the finest …BZZZT… Mad-dog 20/20 in the state, and the tamest action located in the forgotten broom-closet of the gambling universe, or …BZZZT… New Jersey as it’s otherwise known.
About the only thing these two places share in common is that they both have a higher population of …BZZZT… “made” guys than everywhere but New York.
I think I’ve made my point, Tom B. – but in case you want one more reason why I never talk about Atlantic City, it’s simply this… If the …BZZZT… beloved members of the Rat Pack spent most of their time in Vegas, its just about the only place worth talking about… you …BZZZT… dig, my friend?
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.