Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City
Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Vinny Testaverde (DAL) – I normally would steer you away from a 40-something QB without a running game to back him up, but …BZZZT… Vinny has been surprisingly useful this season. Thing is, Vinny has to throw it up a lot given Dallas’ surprisingly weak defense, and you probably don’t score based on completion percentage. Throw it up enough times and, well, it’s the Allen Iverson approach … without the posse and gangsta tats. I don’t have any ink, by the way, just a serial number and …BZZZT… the note “BLITZED!” scratched into my left arm. I got it by accident back in ’92 and decided to leave it there as a reminder that 1) it’s usually true and 2) don’t shut down too early when you’ve been getting loaded with the assembly robots at the P & G factory in Cincinnati. They got me good …BZZZT… real good. Speaking of which, Vinny plays the Bengals this week …BZZZT… payback time.
RB – Tough to find an interesting RB at this point in the season. Anyone can tell you to grab Anthony Thomas (CHI) this week because Jones is out, and I’m above that. Maybe this week I can remind those of you in the playoff hunt to start grabbing backups for your main backs just in case something happens to the starter. Think Lamont Jordan (NYJ) couldn’t step in for …BZZZT… Curtis Martin and start posting numbers? Along those lines, make a claim on a backup in a good spot. I like Dominic Rhodes (IND), Derrick Blaylock (KC), Steven Jackson (StL), and Jesse Chatman (SD). They’re on offenses that can score like Sinatra, and in some cases playing behind backs as fragile as Merrill Hoge’s ego. Seriously, that dude is a major …BZZZT… tool. Your fourth or fifth RB or WR becomes less valuable once the bye weeks dry up – start dumping that trash and picking up some long shots.
Julius Jones (DAL) – He’ll be back this season, this much we know. What we don’t know is whether or not he sucks. The nice thing is that the Cowboys …BZZT… don’t know if he sucks, either – and with their season taking a real dump on the bed, they’ll be itching to find out once he gets back. Make a cheap waiver claim for him now just to plug him in week 14 against the Saints – think of it as a cheap gamble, like …BZZZT… playing the ‘any craps’ bet on the come-out. Not a high probability of coming through, but Priest Holmes probably isn’t available on waivers, now is he?
WR – Anquan Boldin (ARI) – I saw those Star Wars …BZZZT… movies when they first came out. Now those are some good stories! Did you know that George Lucas wanted me to play that gold robot? I would …BZT… have done it, but the first flick filmed during football season; no could do. Anyway, this kid’s name …BZZZT… sounds like the name of the guy who would become that Dr. Doom rip-off, Darth Vader.
This kid can play, and is back …BZT… after an extended absence, like yours truly. Anyway, I won’t go deep into the stats, but he had 4 catches for 50 yards…pretty good for his first week back. Look …BZTTT… for Boldin to get more action then a fat guy with a Cartier watch at the Kit Kat Klub this week.
David Patten (NE) – I think the Patriots have about 7 WRs on the field at any time, and that’s when their defense is on the field. They have a lot of WRs and Tom Brady spreads it around better than Charo on a Celebritycruise. Just …BZZZT… kidding, Charo. One quick note about my favorite chica, she is a beautiful, talented woman. I guest starred on The Love Boat once in 1978 (as a slot machine with a heart), and tried …BZZZZZT… and tried for a Session of Sweet with this beautiful lady. No dice. But she …BZT… was gracious and kind when she turned down my advances. I think she was anyway, she has a thick accent and my audio receiver unit …BZZZT… was a bit rusty from all the salt water I took on while we were shooting.
Back to Patten, he has 4 touchdowns this year and 357 yards. Now 357 yards …BZZZT… isn’t great, but you’re reading this article for sleepers, right? He does score with 2 TDs in the last three weeks, one against the Seahawks, who …BZZZT… have a pretty good secondary. Against the Jets, Patten was targeted 8 times, and …BZZZT… was still getting targets late in the game. Late game targets are a very important stat to yours truly. This game against St. Louis has great potential to be a …BZZZT… shootout. Take the plunge and thank me next week.
TE – Dallas Clark (IND) – Great offense, check. Nice schedule on the horizon, check. Getting some looks from Peyton Manning recently (and I mean in the passing game), check. Under the radar because of injury concerns early in the season, check. This is like playing Keno when you know what balls are coming up. One interesting thing about me is that …BZZZT… Vegas was real concerned that a robot with gambling knowledge would be able to beat the house at Keno, or slot machines, or video poker. So they programmed me to not like those things. Sounds silly, I know, but Dolfi fixed me up so that I’m into that stuff now and it turns out NASA was right! They blacklisted me at the MGM after I knocked down six royals in one weekend last March, so …BZZT… now I concentrate on things you read about here each week. Oh you don’t care? Maybe you’d be interested to know that Hoge picked against the Eagles again this week? Destroying what’s left of Merrill Hoge’s weak reputation is something I’m getting very interested in.
K – You’re on your own this week, but here’s a tip for any week: Keep an eye on kickers playing …BZZZT… at Denver.
D/ST – Detroit Lions – The Lions have 23 sacks so far and play the Redskins at home. Nuff Said.
Actually, to say some more, Mark Brunell may end up concussed beyond repair. Sunday is the first football day of the rest of Brunell’s life. The rest of his life may …BZZZT… go like this: sack, sack, sack, sack, concussion, fumble (returned for TD), cart trip off the field, retirement, constant headaches, analyst job at ESPN always picking against the Lions, getting his facts wrong, and yelling a lot. Let’s hope for something more peaceful.
Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week
Last Merrill Hoge Rip for now
In case you’ve never played the game, and we know at least one blowhard who hasn’t, there is no spin button in Tecmo Super bowl. No spin, no hurdle, no sprint, no charge ahead, none of that noise – just good old-fashioned button mashing. The only way to avoid tacklers is to constantly run in a zig-zag pattern once you’ve cleared the secondary, which is more of an exploit than an actual part of the game. In fact, it’s better than a spin button because the computer AI can’t …BZZT… figure out this sophisticated running style. Gale Sayers wishes he had moves like this. Use it to make magic with NFL greats like Mosi Tatupu and Ivy Joe Hunter.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
Greetings from the Far East! One thing I’ve noticed in my time here is that Eastern religion is much different from that in the Western hemisphere. What are your thoughts on religion? Do you believe in God?
Vincent O., Japan
Moshi Moshi Vincent,
For the record, I’m Catholic. I mean, JFK was heavily involved in the BetBot program, you know? That “man on the moon” stuff was just cover. But I’m built to think about football and football fans and let me tell you about the football games I’m thinking they play up in heaven.
Did you ever have one of those friends that was far and away the best player in the school yard? Whoever picked teams first would pick him and would always win – so eventually everyone decided, to be fair, that he would be the automatic QB and just play QB on both teams.
Well, I think that’s what the angels do with Jesus. Seriously, He’s putting up stats that would make Daunte Culpepper blush – think Marino ‘84 except if Marino was omniscient and omnipotent. Imagine planning a strategy for that. He can’t be sacked, so maybe the D just drops into an 11-man zone, except that He won’t be intercepted, so maybe the D just blitzes 11 every down. It’s quite a pickle and I’ve often thought to ask Monte Kiffin or Jimmy Johnson (not the Florida hair, the licking lips one) about it, but …BZZZT… they don’t return my calls in season. And to think, this isn’t even with Dick Vermeil’s offense (yet).
Of course God referees the whole thing, so there are no challenges, no referee huddles, and no wide receiver push-offs, which is truly a blessing (sorry Michael Irvin, not that you’ll ever find out).
The field they play on has great seats – and the TV coverage is fantastic because the Holy Spirit is doing play-by-play AND color commentary. Al Michaels wishes he had this kind of visibility. Think about it – the Announcer IS the Quarterback – He knows the plays before they happen!
Trust me; if you believe in God, you want to go to heaven. In hell they only play soccer.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.