Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Jake Delhomme (CAR) – Carolina managed to lose to Oakland last week. Not good, the Raiders are not doing very well this year. Not very well at all. The other Raging Cajun in the NFL, Jake Delhomme …BZZZT… did put up some pretty nice numbers, however. Now granted, it was against the poor, porous Raiders defense, but still, 299 yards and 3 TDs last week? I’ll take that. And a news flash, the Panthers play the other Poor Sister from the Bay Area, the Niners. This is going to be a high scoring affair …BZZZT… kinda like my recent weekend at my Suite at Circus, Circus…a lot of scoring and a lot of satisfaction. Anyway, start Delhomme; you’ll have a smile on your face.RB – I feel cheesy telling you about this guy, but some of you jamokes may not be on his bandwagon yet. I refer to Mr. Onterrio Smith (MIN). Yes, the Vikings are a bit of a…BZZZT… Running Back by Committee still, but make no mistake, Onterrio Smith is the man. They travel to Green Bay this week, after a gut wrenching loss to the Colts Monday Night. That’s a tough assignment for the Vikings, but I think this will be another shoot-out. Smith had 80 yards rushing, and a touchdown against the Colts, he also hauled in a …BZZT… couple of receptions. Now the Packers have a bad defense. Heck, they probably couldn’t even stop Dom DeLuise from scoring. Don’t get me started on DeLuise; he rode Burt’s coattails like a bloated pilot…BZT… fish rides a shark’s wake. Anyway, Smith is a great start this week against the Packer’s middling defense.
I am going to tell you something…BZZZZZT… about DeLuise, I don’t like him. He rubs me the wrong way. But I do respect Burt Reynolds; he is a good man, a good bleeping man.WR – I’m gonna admit something here that I am a little bit ashamed of, when I was laid up with…BZZZT… a bad motivator back in 1977, I watched Scooby-Doo. I watched Scooby-Doo a lot. Anyway, I have to admit it; I have the hots for that girl Daphne from the show. Yeah, a cartoon. Anyway, I tell you this because I most recently had a very nice Session of Sweet with a showgirl who reminds me of Daphne, she had a bit of a horse face, but really built. I love …BZZT… redheads. I like to write…BZZZZT… poems for any showgirls I have Sessions of Sweet with, and I rhymed the fact that she looks like Daphne with Jabar Gaffney (HOU). She didn’t know who he is, but what the heck, it rhymed.
Besides the rhyme, Gaffney is a quality play this week. Now, he is normally an up and down player, but I see this as a very up week. Also, his last three games have been…BZT… very consistent (85, 88, and 86 yards). Wait, there’s more – Houston versus the Colts in Houston? Points galore! Yes, Andre Johnson is David Carr’s number one target, you know it, I know it and the Colts know it. They won’t stop Johnson, but…BZZZT… he will get their attention. Every once in awhile Yours Truly gets a feeling and when the Betbot gets a feeling, Everything Comes Up Betbot. I have that feeling for…BZZZT… Gaffney this week. 411 yards so far, with 2 touchdowns? Not stellar, but not bad. I think Gaffney gets a TD this week. Start Gaffney, you can thank me later.
TE – Ken Dilger (TB) – Not my sexiest pick (unlike the showgirl who looked like Daphne), but we’re talking about tight ends here. Atlanta gives up a ton of yards through the air (they have the third worst pass defense), and Dilger has done well with Brian Griese at the helm. Dilger is hot and cold, but I think the Bucs will pass a good amount against the Falcons. Look for some easy …BZZZT… passes to Dilger from Griese…Who knows; maybe he’ll get a cheapo TD.
K – Jeff Reed (PIT) – He’s probably available in your league because everyone figured the Steelers would …BZZT… suck this year. Turns out only Tommy Maddox really sucked, and Reed’s been a solid kicker since super kid took over at QB. To use another Dom DeLuise analogy – Reed : DeLuise as new kid QB : Burt Reynolds. Tommy Maddox is like Dom’s baker or something – not interested in helping at all. Oh, and just to keep everyone up to date on …BZZZT… religious matters – Pittsburgh sure did pick up a lot of God-hating bandwagon fans in the last 10 days or so. Just be on the lookout for lightning strikes around those freshly minted #7 jerseys, ok?
D/ST – San Diego Chargers – Guess who’s playing Kerry Collins this week? You know the Chargers are going to open up on Oakland’s terrible D, and Kerry will be …BZZZT… back in action by the second half, throwing picks and taking sacks. The Chargers have been playing…BZZZT… decent ball lately, and picked off Collins twice a few weeks ago. Speaking of Collins, what the hey? I predicted the whole sobriety thing had the makings of a “James Hetfield goes sober and Metallica releases the horror that is St. Anger” type bad situation. Don’t get me wrong – Metallica are good men, good bleeping men. It’s just that …BZZZT… if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, see? I guess Kerry played well for a few years before it caught up with him, which is good – because I’m a machine that can’t afford to …BZZZT… look bad.
Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week
Marv Cook Wrote the Touchdown Book
Don’t be afraid to get creative with your…BZZT… lineup. Sure, on the Raiders you can select between Bo Jackson and Marcus Allen, but not every team has such an embarrassment of riches. Some players are so…BZZZT… much better than others are – it’s a sin to not take advantage of your best talent. Take Marv Cook of the Patriots. You could just use him as a tight end, but that’s pure folly – the TE just isn’t involved in every play, and you need Cook in on every play. Say Mosi Tatupu’s on the shelf – who would you rather have running the…BZZZT… ball, John Stephens or Cook? (Say Cook). Plus, he’s as good as any of your other wideouts (Ed. Note: This is debatable, Irving Fryar is no slouch). Compared to the rest of New England’s lineup, Cook is The Terminator.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
I knew my Steelers would be great this year, but not this great! How come you didn’t tell me about Big Ben back in week 2? Now someone else in my league has him and I’m missing out on a 6-0 MVP candidate! If you were as smart as Merrill Hoge, you’d be able to predict things (like the Eagles loss last week) – but no, you’re too busy with your supposed drinking and cavorting with showgirls. I think you’re a fraud!
Rick T, Pittsburgh
The fact is that the kid isn’t a very good fantasy QB because your beloved Steelers run the ball so much. Stop glancing at the box scores while eating your olive loaf sandwich and “pop” and …BZZT… try to pay attention to the actual numbers. I know it’s tough keeping track since you spent much of your childhood catching Bucs games at Three Rivers with daddy and his IC Light, but give it the old college try.
Furthermore, your supposition that he’s a legitimate MVP candidate is as ridiculous as calling Joey Harrington an MVP candidate (Joey has better numbers, by the by).
As for my prowess in the bar room and the bedroom interfering with my ability to prognosticate, let me point out that …BZZT… I’m a bleeping robot, see? I can do more than one thing at a time (editor’s note: It’s true. While transcribing this week’s edition, BetBot had three martinis, called the IRS mainframe to discuss Donovan McNabb, and replaced a worn out service indicator).
But don’t listen to me, Rick. Just keep hopping on the latest bandwagon. It’ll keep your mind off of the fact that you still live in Pittsburgh.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org.
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.