Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Patrick Ramsey (WAS) – Naaahhhh…I was going to suggest picking this kid up because of Brunell’s last stand. I don’t think ..BZZZT… I can recommend a spot on your roster for him since he has yet to prove himself. He could be a good QB, but I would like to see a couple good games…BZZZT… from him as a starter first. I don’t think he will establish himself this week versus a rejuvenated Eagles defense.
Quincy Carter (NYJ) may be a good spot…BZZZZZZT… start for you this week. The Jets face the Browns in Cleveland. Despite their poor showing last week, the Browns are a tough team at home. They…BZT… can run, and they can stop the run. Jeff Garcia is pretty efficient at home hitting tight ends often (Paul Lynde, RIP). Carter had a good game against the tough Ravens …BZT… last week, and if the Jets hadn’t let Lamont Jordan chuck a ball into a Raven’s hands, the Jets…BZZZT… would have won. Carter was 13 of 22 for 175 yards. Not very good, but, again; it was the Ravens. I think the…BZZT… Jets will trust Carter a bit more this week versus a Browns. Carter can make some deeper throws than injured Chad Pennington can, but is less accurate. Hated offensive coordinator Paul Hackett may open up the offense a bit. Look for longer throws…BZZZZT… down the field this week than the Jets usually attempt.
RB – Dorsey Levens (PHI) – I still don’t trust Brian Westbrook, theyoungster from Villanova, he needs to go through a few games without getting hurt. I have to tell you, by the way, Villanova …BZZT…boasts some of the sweetest co-eds East of Sin City. Seriously, these are dames who most likely come from…BZZZT… families with money and were in repressive Catholic all-girl schools. Seriously, they take care of themselves …BZZZT…too. Do yourself a favor and check that school out.
Anyhow, about 13 miles to the East of Villanova is where…BZZZT… the Eagles play their home games. Dorsey Levens has posted some respectable numbers with Westbrook in the game against Dallas. The Eagles play…BZZZT… a much tougher defense this week (well, very, very tough), but with Reno Mahe out, Levens should see a fair amount of touches. Levens had 73 yards rushing versus to down and out …BZT…Cowboys. Obviously, the Skins are a much better defensive team, but Levens will get his touches.
Look for Levens and Westbrook…BZZZT… to be in the backfield at the same time, and look for Levens to get most of the runs up the middle. I like Levens much more as a change of pace back than I do as a…BZT… starter. He has an opportunity to sneak in for a TD and look for about 50-60 yards rushing and receiving. Not very good yards, but he has a shot at the end zone, and there probably aren’t very many guys…BZZZZZT… available on your waiver wire who have that kind of chance.
This game is a hard one for me to predict, the defense may play some very inspired football for their new QB. On the…BZZZT… other manual grasping tool, the new QB could turn the ball over two or three times giving the Eagles…BZT…offense plenty of scoring opportunities.
WR – Clarence Moore (BAL) – Look, if you are taking a shot on this kid, you are in some kind of big trouble, but hey, that’s why…BZZZT… you come to me. This rookie from Northern Arizona has been doing pretty good for himself lately. Moore had 10 catches over the last 3 games, he happened to get 2 TDs last week…BZT… versus the Jets, the TDs were from 6 and 16 yards. Moore is 6’6” and may be good for some fade patterns into the corner of the endzone. Next up for Moore, the…BZZZT…Cowboys, who have been easier than a horny housewife…or whatever. Use Moore …BZT…as your third wide receiver and thank me later.
Have you noticed Eddie Kennison (KC) go over 100 yards each of the last two weeks? Me neither, because the Chiefs look used up like Madonna.
TE – Still looking for tight end help after I hooked you up with Ken Dilger (TB) and Dallas Clark (IND)? Ok, try Aaron Shea (CLE), who’s scored just about every other week for the last 2 months – a slow 8 weeks unless you’re a TE or a misguided ESPN analyst. Myself, I like to have a session of sweet at least once every other day, just to keep myself …BZZT… active. Some very classy men in the Rat Pack would scoff at my schedule, but I’m just not built for too much sweet activity.
K – Ryan Longwell (GB) – He’s probably not available, but the first half of five games of his season went about as good as Merrill Hoge’s, so he may have been dropped. I would like, by the way, to drop Hoge – off a tall building, or maybe that big arch in St. Louis. Anyway, the Packers have picked it up again lately and Longwell has been solid for a few weeks now. If he’s available, try him out before …BZZZT… it gets too cold in Wisconsin. Speaking of Wisconsin, dairy products remind me of a nice White Russian. Not that …BZZZT… crappy vodka drink, my lady Svetlana over at the Stardust. She’s a real classy doll with milky white skin …BZZZT… yeah.
D/ST – Cincinnati Bengals – I know what everyone thinks when they see me hype a Bengal player – the BetBot is out of his …BZZT… mind. But check your league’s scoring system and you’ll see that I’m right again. The lack of consistent thought patterns is a result of not being able to sit in the same room as the dopes that transcribe this stuff without copious amounts of Gin. I’d type the damn thing myself but constant screw-ups give me a chance to work on my Red Eye technique. I like to pretend I’m all nice one second so they aren’t afraid to come close and then SSSSSSS – I love the smell of …BZZZT… justice. Speaking of screw-ups, last week’s D/ST pick, the San Diego Chargers, are still a valuable play this week (you know, when they actually have a game).
Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week
Take advantage of the 3-4
Everyone plays the 3-4 defense in Tecmo, which means that some good defensive linemen get to line up as linebackers. Use this exploit to your advantage, taking defenders like Jerome Brown (RIP) and Keith Millard and shooting the gap between guard and center for a run at theQB. By the way, that Golic playing nose tackle for the Eagles in TSB is the same Mike Golic on ESPN radio. That was from my “where are they now” file.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
What exactly is Turducken?
Dear Ed G.,
How the Hell should…BZT… I know? Sounds like what you do…BZZT… when a monkey makes a load in his hand …BZZZT…and is looking for someone to chuck it at…Duck!!!
Can we get some…BZZZT… better questions, please?
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT Gin.