Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City
Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
QB – Shaun King (ARI) – You may not have noticed that Josh McCown was benched in Arizona, but …BZZT… Shaun King’s mom did. King isn’t really any good, but between the nice young receiving corps and the urge to prove his merit, he’s in for more positive garbage time than Oscar the Grouch. If you ignore the interceptions and fumbles, which most of you can, he posted a solid 343 yards and a TD last week. Upcoming opponents include the Jets and the Lions, and they …BZZT… don’t have the D to keep up with Zona’s receivers. Say it with me kids – “I love trash……”
By the way, I love Oscar. He’s a fresh breeze of honesty on a show full of phonies. Anyone can smile at a kid in a wheelchair, but it takes real cojones to tell that same kid to “scram”. Plus, the sheer fortitude of his grouchiness in the face of pure joy – well, he’s got some real guts. I should point out that pleasantness is the …BZZZT… better bet if you’re picking a way of life. At some point, Oscar’s going to annoy somebody important, be it the doctor who’s about to do open-heart surgery on him or the postman who’s packing heat. To be sure, Oscar’s due for a grisly, miserable death, and that would probably suit him just fine. Unlucky for him, he lives on a street populated almost entirely by children and lovable puppets, so the chances of him getting clipped anytime soon are minimal. When he’s ready to cash in, he should relocate to the Bronx.
RB – Julius Jones (DAL) – You’ll notice a trend with most of my picks – a lot of them come from really bad teams. Your fantasy competition overlooks these teams because ESPN doesn’t focus on them, but you can find a real surprise amongst the turds of the NFL, like that time I saw a $100 chip in a urinal at Caesars. I don’t know if it was some kind of prank show or whatever, but that’s what I call …BZZZT… easy money. Anyway, Jones picked up 30 carries against the Ravens last week – in a game the Cowboys lost by 20 points! I warned you about him three weeks ago, but if he played against a non-Ravens defense everyone would be talking about Julius Jones this week. For the love of Gin, he plays the Saints in three weeks so there’s no …BZZZT… time to waste!
WR – Tai Streets (DET) – Did you know I was asked to be…BZZT… the Tin Man in the 70s remake of the Wizard of Oz, called The Wiz? I wanted to do it, really, I did. I think that Diana Ross, is quite a lady, with a dynamite set of pipes…and gams. And no matter what her recent troubles are, I dig this…BZT… groovy chick – I do indeed. I wouldn’t work with Michael Jackson, though. Jackson played the Cowardly Lion in that flick. Something about that cat just threw me off, I didn’t trust him – turns out I was right. They got Nipsy Russell to take my place, and he did a great …BZZZT…job, but I think I really could have brought something to that role. But Nipsy could rhyme his way out of any sticky situation. He was a good man, a good bleeping man.
I tell you this because…BZZZT…Streets will be starting for an injured Az Hakim (Check this situation Thursday morning – but I believe that Az will still be out). Anyway, Streets is a good play this week. Whenever…BZZZT… I run my prediction heuristics, I always include anywhere between a 20-25% bonus for a starting WR facing the Colts and that greedy glory hound Peyton Manning. Don’t get me wrong, Manning is a great QB – but his pursuit of Dan Marino’s record is making me sick – robot sick. The way the Colts are running up the score week…BZT… after week will surely come back to haunt them in the playoffs. They are not as good as the Steelers or Patriots…they are, however, better than the Lions. And the American viewing …BZZT…public gets treated to a couple of turkeys this Thanksgiving between the Colts-Lions and Bears-Cowboys. The Lions will surely be behind by at least 2 TDs in the third quarter…BZT… and start chucking the ball around with some success, but maybe with the Colts defense concentrating on Roy Williams, Streets and Stephen Alexander should be open, look…BZZZT… for Streets to get some great looks and to sneak in for a score.
Justin McCareins (NYJ) – Hmmmm. Someone’s heating up in the big apple (or the big trash heap, if you get all giddy about the Jets playing in New Jersey). Three TDs in the last four weeks sounds mighty nice if you’ve been relying on Roy Williams (Detroit version) and just realized Williams started sucking …BZZZT… golf balls around the time he twisted his ankle. A tough schedule looms on the horizon (Pittsburgh, New England) but you can get two weeks worth of fun (Arizona, Houston) out of McCareins if you need …BZT… some help. Just don’t get all crazy about him.
TE – Darnell Dinkins (BAL) – Look, you come to me for DEEPER sleepers, right? Some are more shallow than others. This sleeper, is pretty bleeping deep. Did you know that Darnell…BZZZT…Dinkins is from Pittsburgh? Did you know that Darnell Dinkins used to be on the Giants, but was…BZT… released this Summer? Did you know that Dinkins has more tackles (6) than receptions (5) in his NFL career? No? Do you care? Probably not…What you should…BZZZT… care about, however, is the fact that Dinkins had a TD last week versus the Cowboys. What you should care about…BZZZZT… is the fact that Dinkins was targeted three times and each time caught the ball. What you should care about is…BZT… that just maybe Boller has a TE he can trust until Todd Heap comes back. Baltimore may stick with two TE sets with Jamal Lewis out. Look for Dinkins and Daniel Wilcox, the other TE for Baltimore, to…BZZZZZT… see more action going forward. Wilcox had 2 catches last week, but neither was for a touchdown, and I like Dinkins’ moxy anyway – that’s why he gets mentioned first. I don’t recommend starting Dinkins this week (unless you are really in a bind), but if you have a spot, pick him up and see how…BZT… he does. If he can give Boller some more quality receptions, he could emerge for the Ravens.
Tecmo Super Bowl Note of the Week
I was tooling around with TSB last weekend and played a few games with the Cowboys before realizing just how bad they were. You look at the roster and see Emmitt, Aikman, and Irvin, but you don’t notice that it’s the 1991 version of those players, back before John Madden fell in love with them. Emmitt is slow, Aikman is average at best – they just don’t get it done like you’d expect given the pedigree. Oh, and don’t think I forgot about their defense. In a word? Abysmal. You might try playing with Jack Del Rio (the genius behind axe-chopping pre-game rituals) or Eugene “The Hitting Machine” Lockhart (the best thing about him is the awesome nickname). Either way, play against a human and you’re scorched earth. A tough, tough team to get behind, and that’s not …BZZT… some kind of double entendre.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .