Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
QB – Mark Brunell – He is going up against a Cleveland defense that gives up over 250 yards per game. Given this information, expect the Redskins to make more passes than comic genius Paul Lynde at a bathhouse…OH!!! I crack myself up…BZZZZT. I kid because I love, Paul was a good man…a good bleeping man. Rest in Peace, Paul…these new comedians couldn’t shine your shoes, my friend.
Kerry Collins – I’m a machine that loves many things. Busty showgirls, the Rat Pack, large quantities of gin….but nothing gets my circuits buzzing like a QB with an alcohol problem and a light schedule. Oh, sure, he’s sober now…..BZZZT….right! Still, you’d have to be loaded to not make a waiver claim on Collins, now taking his rightful place as Oakland’s starter and Joe Namath’s protégé….BZZZT…I want to kiss you. Check out these defensive wizards on the Raiders’ docket: Houston, Indianapolis, New Orleans, San Diego…..overload….overload…..
RB – Tony Hollings – NOT playing for the Texans tends to keep you under the radar. But Domanick Davis keeps putting the ball on the floor and picked up an ankle sprain of his own this past weekend. I recommend taking a chance on Hollings – sure he’s risky, but so is unprotected sex and look how that worked out for my man Frank Sinatra….BZZZT….it worked damn good.
Emmitt Smith – Like that bottle of scotch Dean-O gave me backstage at the Sands, Smith was used up years ago. That doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of his tasty match-up at home against the New Orleans defense, who were able to stop the run as recently as….BZZZT….where was I? If Smith is a regular on your team, you’re either hurting for running backs or a Cowboys fan. Either way…..BZZZZT….I’m better than you.
Tatum Bell – Listen, small can be good. Say you have to pass a kidney stone – you want it to be small. Running backs, well….BZZZT….those you want kinda big. Griffin’s getting exposed and Garrison Hearst is….BZZZZT….well he’s NOT the answer. Look for Bell to get more carries as Griffin struggles with Tampa Bay and Carolina. My data shows him being a full time starter by Week 7’s Monday Night game against….BZZZZT….Cincinnati….BZZZZT….checking oil pan…..soiled.
WR – Randy Hymes -We start the wide receiver discussion with receiver Randy Hymes of the Baltimore Ravens. Somebody has to catch the passes Kyle Boller makes, well maybe not…But with Taylor and with Heap looking not too good for Monday Night’s game, you want to BZZZZT consider Randy Hymes. 61 yards and a touchdown last week? Against the Chiefs, this is the time for Hymes.
Keary Colbert – Colbert is not only a deeper sleeper for this week, he is someone you may want to start until Steve Smith comes back. Colbert had three catches two weeks ago for the Panthers, each catch resulted in a first down or a touch down. Also, look for Delhomme to look at Colbert when the Panthers come out in shotgun formation. Each time they lined up in shotgun two weeks ago, Colbert was the target of the pass.
Ronald Curry – This former collegiate QB has found the end zone the last two weeks. With Jerry Porter and Jerry Rice on the field and spotty play from Oakland tight ends, Curry could be a good play versus Houston.
Tim Brown – Brown had at least 4 catches in each game this season. BZZZZT He is worth considering as a start this week also. One odd thing about Brown’s catches last week versus the Raiders, each catch happened during one drive late in the game. I did not watch the game, so I am not sure if the Raiders were in a prevent defense at the time. Where was I, instead of watching the game? I was in Circus, Circus with a showgirl and a fifth of gin. Some things are more important than football, baby…showgirls is one of them.
TE – Jeb Putzier – It doesn’t take a robot with significant roasting experience to figure out what this kid had to put up with in high school….BZZZT…probably toughened him up. That hardened resolve will prove valuable as he builds on his 5 catch effort from last week. There are plenty of fantasy owners who are already starting a Putz at tight end …..BZZZT…..Shockey, Franks…..BZZZT….why not try one with a pedigree?
K – Shayne Graham – The Bengals offense….BZZZT….isn’t half bad. Relying on Graham for points will surely disappoint you…BZZZT…but you could do worse for a bye week sub. Six of seven the last two games….BZZZZT….or stick with Lawrence Tynes, genius.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
I think you are some cheap ripoff of Bender from Futurama. What do you think of that? You stink!!
Look, that robot is a rip-off of me!! I was first programmed in the late Fifties, baby!! Read my bio up top, hockey puck!! I saw the glory days of Las Vegas, back when it was a man’s town – not some watered down Disneyland run by corporate types. BZZZZT
What sort of nickname is ‘Dealmaker’ anyway? What are you, some sort of wanna-be? Bugsy Siegel, now that man was a Dealmaker. I never met the man, but when he made a deal, you knew you had to keep up your end of the bargain, baby. Bugsy Siegel was a good man – a good bleeping man.
Anyway, good luck with your fantasy league, Dealmaker, you can probably use it.
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .
So long, and remember – showgirls and gin, my friends – Showgirls and BZZZZT gin.