Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City
Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
LIVE, from Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas! The Sin City BetBot presents……the Sin City BetBot 6000 Awards show! Starring the fantasysharks.com community and Sin City BetBot dancers! Here’s the star of our show – the Sin City BetBot 6000! [clapping]
***image3***Hello all, and welcome to this year’s award ceremony, the only …BZZT… football awards selected by a group of fantasy fanatics instead of some …BZZT… jackass with a bully pulpit. I notice my cocktail glass is currently empty – REFILL! [laughter] We don’t have time for a whole lot of chit-chat, but I do see that Denise Richards’ seat is empty – someone call my …BZT… hotel room [rim shot]. Speaking of Denise, anyone else here disappointed with the James Bond franchise? Seriously, folks, he’s supposed to be a classy spy with irresistible charisma and a limitless libido, not a …BZT… bartender at a singles bar. [laughter] No offense to you, Pierce, I’m a big fan, as I told you right before I knocked down that …BZTT… hard 8 for you last night.
While we’re on the topic of disappointments, let’s introduce the nominees for the Sin City BetBot Grand Balloon Knot award, the biggest fantasy football disappointment of the year. The nominees are:
Steve McNair – the popular Titan QB and all around classy man, he fell on hard times this season because of major injury problems. It would have been nice if he would have definitely cashed in the season a little earlier so his owners knew to claim and start Volek.
“I voted for McNair…I thought he would be more solid this year…instead he was useless.” – Squidward
Jamal Lewis – the much-maligned Ravens RB who led the league in rushing last season barely passed 1000 yards this season.
“I think Lewis would be a good pick…but injuries, and suspension, have not given him a shot at putting up great numbers.” – drbacher
Kevan Barlow – a first-time starter for the Niners who showed flashes of brilliance in past seasons while sharing carries with Garrison Hearst. He was awful in full time duty, with only one 100 yard game for the fantasy season.
“Barlow sucks.” – dragonz20
Koren Robinson – the supposed best receiver for the Seahawks, expected to thrive in a high powered offense but instead pissed away his season with dropped balls and drugs.
“I had to vote for Koren…perhaps we need a ‘Life’s anti-achievement’ award.” – Decktard
Todd Heap – one of the TE class’ big three on draft day and the only decent receiver in the Ravens’ offense, taken out for most of the season by a sprained ankle.
Jeff Wilkins – a kicker? How did he sneak in here? Yeah, he was terrible but come on, they’re a dime a dozen.
And the Grand Balloon Knot goes to… Kevan Barlow! [clapping] This was a tough choice because all of these nominees …BZT… killed many lineups this season. However, most sharks targeted Barlow because he was a first round pick and also because he didn’t have any excuses:
“Barlow was a 1st round pick in our draft (1.12). I got McNair in the 4th round. Therefore Barlow edges McNair.” – SacPT
“Barlow, I wasted a first round pick on you, go rot!” – LordBourbon
“I’ve gotta go Barlow here. Unlike the others, he was healthy and available for all the games and still sucked most terribly. The fact that he put up a 0 from a first round seat…yeeeouch, there haven’t been many backs to get that much run and suck that hard.” – Agenda42
“Let’s see… a criminal, a substance abuser, a couple of guys who were hurt, a kicker…
It’s gotta be Barlow. No excuses, just bringing that weak a$$ sh*t every week.” – finn2056
Well said, gentlemen …BZZT… well said. You are good men. Good bleeping men.
If there’s one thing a robot loves, it’s …BZT… bitter bile during the holiday season. [laughter] Anyway, I’m going to go shake up a few Martinis backstage with Tom Bill while we take this break – enjoy the Sin City BetBot dancers and don’t go anywhere – when we return, I’m handing out the MVP award!
OK, we’re back. I noticed backstage that someone snuck a 12 year old …BZZT… bottle of single malt into my dressing room during the Balloon Knot presentation. That was a nice touch – hopefully it wasn’t just misplaced because I already sampled the goods. A delicate, smoky flavor, completed with a smooth finish and a hint of sophistication. This was the Lara Flynn Boyle of scotches. [laughter] Jack, I know you …BZT… hear what I’m talking about! [more laughter] I wish I had known so I could have brought a Cohiba to pair with it, but what a …BZZZZT… nice surprise. Speaking of surprises, let’s go right to the nominees for the Sin City BetBot Grand Champion award, the biggest fantasy football surprise of the year.
The nominees are:
Drew Brees – this Charger QB followed a dismal 2003 season with the third best QB rating in the league (104.8). Nobody expected this, including the San Diego brass, who spent their …BZZT… 2004 first round draft pick on QB Philip Rivers. Oops!
“You can’t really vote for Gates without voting for Brees…if Brees hadn’t come out of nowhere to have a huge year as a QB, Gates…would not be where he is now, fantasy performance wise. After all, without a quarterback a receiver really doesn’t do much.” – elnator
Jerome Bettis – the portly Steeler RB dismissed critics who said he was washed up and posted a career-high 13 TDs after starting the year as Pitt’s #2 back behind Staley.
“To me Bettis was the real surprise. I really thought he was washed out. I didn’t think he would become the go to guy on the goal line and I really didn’t think he could step in if Staley got hurt and run for 100 yards once, let alone all 5 games he started so far. Lastly I had to vote for him because of all the mini-bus jokes I made.” – sport.nut
Reuben Droughns – a backup fullback for the Broncos, he came out of nowhere to post 1400+ total yards and 8 TDs. I’m still not sure if I spelled his name right.
“The surprise fantasy stud has to be Droughns. Denver’s backfield was completely drafted up, or so we thought. Griffin, Bell, Anderson, Hearst, even Ahmad Galloway was drafted in a league or two. But noooo, the backup *fullback* was the guy who got the thousand yards. This was the last possible guy who would carry the ball for this team, and he turned up huge.” – Agenda42
Brandon Stokley – this Colts receiver scored 10 TDs in 2004, the same number he scored in his entire 5-year NFL career. He threw in 1000+ yards just because that’s what Colts receivers do.
“I chose Stokley. This guy had done very little in his time with Baltimore, and was the least likely guy to be drafted…Bettis went because RBs always go…Gates went because there are so few TEs anyway. But I don’t think that Stokley was in the top 100, so I think he’s had the most remarkable season. “ – beerbarian
Antonio Gates – the second year TE in San Diego hauled in 24 receptions as a rookie, then proceeded to unload 81-964-13 on the league in his second season, probably the best fantasy season ever for a tight end. 13 TDs is the most for a TE in NFL history, for a Charger team that was awful last year.
“I chose Gates….who knew a TE in SD would be worth anything…” –HurricaneNamedDitka
Shayne Graham and Colts D/ST – nice surprises, like finding a quarter in your pocket is a nice surprise. I wouldn’t know because I don’t have pockets, and even if I did I wouldn’t carry …BZT… change.
And the Grand Champion is… Antonio Gates! [clapping] This was a very close vote, with Gates edging out both Bettis and Droughns. I saw a lot of good analysis in the discussion, because you know each of these guys was …BZT… carrying fantasy teams at some point this season. As for Gates, people seemed to discount his “surprise” factor because he was a serious sleeper in August and probably drafted:
“I picked Bettis. Probably because he was my best “steal” of the draft. Gates is also a great draft pick but he was projected by many as a great TE this year too.” – The Big Lebowski
However, Gates’ performance was so much better than the rest of the TE class that he could not be ignored:
“I had to go with Gates too. Not only to be a good TE, but to be the top TE and put up consistent numbers at that position is hard enough as it is.” – supersock69
“I vote for Antonio Gates. A Tight End that can consistently put up Wide Receiver numbers and draw weekly double coverage from his opposition, is worthy of the award. Just two years removed from the game of Basketball, Gates has become the most predominant Tight End in the league.” – 5XChamps
Thanks for your words and analysis, sharks. Congratulations to Antonio Gates for his fine performance and for being my Grand Champion for the 2004 fantasy season. [clapping] That just about wraps it up for this season, friends – my …BZT… cocktail glass is empty and I need a good rubdown.
This might be my final …BZZT… appearance for a while, but even though fantasy football is done for the year, it doesn’t mean I’m taking a six month sabbatical. There’s still the NFL playoffs and the college draft to worry about. I’d like to thank Tony and the rest of the sharks here for allowing me this …BZT… opportunity to make myself look good at Merrill Hoge’s expense, and provide some valuable fantasy insight along the way. Until next time, remember – showgirls and Gin, my friends – showgirls and …BZZZT… Gin. [standing ovation]
If you have any questions for the Betbot, please send them to his Fantasysharks contact at firstname.lastname@example.org .