Saturday - Apr 20, 2019

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The Sin City BetBot Presents

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the

Las Vegas
casinos in the late 50s (Who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government?

It was the mob … ), The


6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot

was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.


he Betbot

was de-commissioned in 1990 after
San Francisco destroyed

in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s

wires and he retired. The Betbot

was discovered by and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL.

It’s that time of year again. Every NFL fan has that gleam in his eye; that gleam that says – this will be the year, this is the year my team finally stops disappointing me. That feeling will last for at least one week, or halftime if you’re a

fan. The only fans who won’t be feeling that way are New Orleans Saints’ fans, but they’re drunk; so it doesn’t really matter anyway.

Let’s get right into this preview. I have to attend the opening of my lover’s new show ‘High Kicks and Magic Tricks.’ Natasha’s on the chorus line, but also has a speaking part. Her line is, “But, I only have so many eggs!” I assume it’s funny, but it’s hard to know without the context. She once did a show with Jon Dorenbos, the long snapper for the Philadelphia Eagles. He has his own magic show in the offseason. He’s pretty good, but I didn’t like the way he leered at Natasha. I’m watching you Dorenbos, I’m watching you.

Where was I? Oh yes …

AFC West

Another year, another sorry effort from this sad sack of clowns. I find the lack of playmakers disturbing and the lack of defense appalling. These guys are in a dogfight with the NFC West for worst division in the NFL, which is saying something as the NFC West represented three of the top six draft picks in this year’s draft. But, enough about those chumps who get a takedown of their own in a few paragraphs.  Let’s deal with this mess first.

San Diego

– 10-6 – This is a below average team that will once again get by on playing everyone else in this division twice.
Philip Rivers is a top quarterback, but his left tackle and his best wide receiver don’t look like they’re going to play this season and he can’t throw to
Antonio Gates every play. He’ll keep the Chargers in games but keep your expectations in check. Also, the defense on this team has quickly rotted under
Norv Turner’s watch, and I can’t find a single player on that side of the ball worth discussing. I mean,
Shawne Merriman was a nice player a few seasons ago but now he’s just a big name that can’t rush the passer. At least he can be proud to see his jersey in the stands – nobody else on the Chargers can rush the quarterback either. And to add insult to injury, fans also have to look in the program just to find out who those players are.

Kansas City

– 7-9 – Seems like I’ve been saying that I like
Dwayne Bowe as a fantasy wideout basically since he came into the league, but it’s still true. Then I realize that I am loathe to find anything even remotely interesting about the Chiefs so I am using Bowe as a crutch. Well, that’ll show you what employing
Herm Edwards will do for you.


– 5-11 – Thinking of something nice to say about this franchise is one of the most difficult things I can imagine. And with my cognitive capacity, I can imagine quite a bit. For example, what if
Jason Campbell were to ever play for a team that wasn’t completely dysfunctional at every level? Would he actually develop? We may never know. Here’s something nice to say about Oakland – they finally cut their losses and canned
JaMarcus Russell, a grown man who gets high by drinking cough syrup. Are you … BZZT … bleeping kidding me?

Denver Broncos
– 5-11 – Their best player on offense (tackle
Ryan Clady) and on defense (end
Elvis Dumervil) are both injured and out for most or all of the season and they spent a first-round pick on a player that most analysts predicted would be a third round halfback. That’s a tough hole to dig yourself out of, although
Kyle Orton is a lot better than people give him credit for. You know how people say that you never get a second chance to make a first impression? Well Orton’s first impression was that he was more awful than
Rex Grossman. Also, when Orton first arrived on the scene he sported the grizzliest NFL neckbeard since
Koy Detmer, so pretty much everyone started thinking that Orton was a tool from the word go. The fact that he won’t shave the damn neckbeard isn’t helping matters.

AFC East

New England Patriots
– 11-5 – I really don’t know what to make of this team.  First, people keep saying that the defense is going to be a problem, but that goes too far.
Bill Belichick may be a nasty little critter, but he made his bones turning decent talent into great defenses and he has some decent talent at linebacker. The offense is going to be fine as long as
Tom Brady is upright, and I hope he’s involved all year because his haircut is going to be the gift that keeps on giving for this column. Your wife is the model, Tom.

Miami Dolphins
– 9-7 – I like
Chad Henne, and I like
Brandon Marshall, and I like whichever of
Ronnie Brown or
Ricky Williams makes it through the season.  But, the offense won’t be the story here – as is his wont,
Bill Parcells has overseen the rebuilding of a physical, tough defense. They need someone to make the leap, and whoever does that will be a huge story for Miami this year. I mean, other than the basketball team which I hear should be pretty good now that they picked up Chris Bosh.

New York Jets
– 8-8 – The Jets are the most overhyped team in recent memory, other than whichever team signs
Brett Favre from year to year. It’s easy to forget that this was a team that was gifted a playoff opportunity last season, mostly because the bombastic head coach thinks they’re super special, although he would describe them using different vocabulary. The defense will be great, but they still don’t have the quarterback to be considered an elite team, no matter how good looking
Mark Sanchez seems.

Buffalo Bills
– 4-12
On the other hand, Bills fans would kill for a quarterback like Mark Sanchez. In fact, Bills fans would kill for a quarterback like
Kerry Collins, or any quarterback that wasn’t limp-armed and slow-footed. I cannot believe
Chan Gailey got another head coaching gig (what,
Joe Bugel not available?) The defense here actually has some decent young talent, but the offense has
C.J. Spiller and a lot of not-much-else.

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