Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City
Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
LIVE, from Caesar’s Palace in Las Vegas! The Sin City BetBot presents……the Sin City BetBot 6000 Awards show! Starring the fantasysharks.com community and Sin City BetBot dancers! Here’s the star of our show – the Sin City BetBot 6000! [clapping]
Hi-ho everyone, and welcome back to Sin City for…BZZZT… the Sin City Betbot 6000 Awards Show, starring me, the Betbot – but you know that already, or you wouldn’t be here, right? I have to tell ya, the holidays were a rough season for everyone, the shopping, the wrapping, the mistletoe belt attachments… [laughter] – Hey-oo!! I know, I…BZT… know, that joke was a little blue, but hey, you gotta learn this stuff sometime, unless you’re going to join a seminary. Isn’t that right Your Holiness? Yeah, the newly minted Pope is here, I’ll try to keep the jokes clean from now on; and you, sir, try to never, ever change, how does that…BZZZT… sound? How about a round of applause for Benedict XVI? [clapping]
This is the very first time a Pope has visited Las Vegas, how about that? The very first time…You’d think with all the Italians that founded this place, a…BZZZT… Pope would have made it here a little sooner [laughter]. Oh, I’m sorry… alleged Italians, excuse me [laughter, clapping]. I kid, I kid, my best friends are of the Italian pedigree, I love them…please don’t whack me [laughter].
OK, let’s get on with it, shall we? Here are the nominees for the Sin City Betbot Grand Balloon Knot Award, the biggest fantasy disappointment of the season. The nominees are:
Daunte Culpepper: This guy has been money throughout his entire…BZZT… career; but this year? He’s been about as bad as bad can get. At least he had the good manners to get hurt relatively early so he could stop hurting owners with his miserable performance.
“[Culpepper’s] injury was the highlight of the year… owners didn’t have to agonize over the decision to start him anymore.” – Decktard
Jamal Lewis: This former fantasy superstar had a miserable year also. There were a couple decent games this season, but he hurt a lot of owners who blew a first or second round pick on him.
“I voted for the guy who was once thought of as a Canton hopeful. A guy who was instrumental in leading his team to their first ever Super Bowl title not too long ago. This guy also duped an entire legion of fans with his farce of a performance this year for a team with Super Bowl aspirations, and he has somehow brainwashed his coach from giving his better back up his playing time. This guy is Jamal Lewis. Be gone.” – FantasyHussy
Randy Moss: Hey, he admitted he smokes…BZT… pot, and now we can all admit that’s not the only sucking he did this year. I’m not sure what the Raiders will do at QB next year, but the most important thing the Raiders need offensively is a healthy Randy Moss. Randy should be a lot better this year, but he kneecapped more fantasy…BZZZT… teams than Dave Schultz.
“it has to be moss. true, most of us expected culpepper to perform at a high level, maybe not as he had when moss was his teammate but still at a high level, however, we sure didnt expect this kind of bad production from moss. not in what was supposed to be a high powered, full of weapons, raiders offense. randy moss is the biggest disappointment of the season.” – r3b3lli0n
Tony Gonzalez: Another superstar, another bad year. Gonzalez got the yards, but he didn’t find the end zone, when you’re a top 3 pick in your position, that gets you nominated here.
“Tony G – finally turned around his season a little after abysmal start. He still has less touchdowns than a couple backup TE’s.” – Coalesce
David Akers: The loss of this guy was almost as annoying…BZT… as those telemarketing calls from Citibank (how do they get away with that?). His injury caused many teams to scramble for a sub-par kicker as a fill in.
“Akers ~ injury to him and his team really affected his fantasy football production.” – Dragonz20
Baltimore Ravens: In many drafts this was the first defense taken. Their anemic offense and injuries to Ed Reed and Ray Lewis cemented their nomination here.
“The only ‘player’ listed that was a near-consensus #1 preseason pick. In both leagues I play in , it was the first defense taken. On most of those teams, it was probably dropped by the halfway mark of the season. The team defense … generated almost no sacks or turnovers.” – Blzbba
And the Grand Balloon Knot Award goes to…Daunte Culpepper!!! [applause] . Wow, this was a pretty close vote, but in the end, Culpepper gets the award. Culpepper as the #1 QB taken? No thank you! Culpepper…BZZZT… underperformed all expectations, throwing twice as many INTs as TDs this season, you’ve earned this Daunte!
“C-Pep. I know many leagues he was taken top 10 in. He sucked before he got hurt. At least Moss was doing decent before he got injured.” – The_Bus
“Pepper, everyone including me thought another MVP season was in line.” – Vikes_Fan_4_Life
“I went with Culpepper. To me he was the biggest surprise. Moss plays all out only when he feels like it and he obviously felt the need for a year off. I expected more from Culpepper.” – REB
Well said, gentlemen …BZZT… well said. You are good men. Good bleeping men.
Well that was fun wasn’t it? I sure could use a few martinis, couldn’t you? [applause] Well, I’m gonna’ saunter over to my new…BZZZT… onstage martini bar, with bartender Regis Philbin, and have a couple real martinis…If any of you wusses want vodka martinis, we’ll mix a couple of those up too, why not, I’m feeling generous!! Hey Regis! Notre Dame sucks!! Ha ha, no offense Your Holiness [laughter]. Well, we’ll be back in a few minutes to deliver the Grand Champion Award!! We’ll be right back! [applause]
Welcome back, folks. Wow, this is a tasty martini – who would have thought that a fine blend of top shelf Gin and a dash of dry vermouth, shaken ice cold, could be this heavenly? I notice the Olsen twins in the crowd tonight [applause] – I’m saving this olive for you Mary-Kate. [laughter] Seriously, I hope you’re feeling better now, kiddo – I can’t thank you enough for …BZT… introducing me to that tool John Stamos. Talk about tasty – let’s hear a round of applause for the ex-Mrs. Stamos, Rebecca Romijn, ladies and gentlemen! [applause] I have to say, Rebecca, you did a fine job of hiding our torrid affair from the tabloids in between your glorious divorce from Stamos and that ill-advised engagement to Jerry O’ Connell. Wait, did I just say that in public? [laughter] Let me tell you folks, I’m not normally the type of person who shoots for ladies on the rebound, but when they look like Ms. Romijn, well, I’m on that rebound like …BZZT… Moses Malone. [laughter] I apologize, your Holiness, really, I am. Wow, don’t give me that look – Regis, we better move on before I get myself excommunicated! [laughter]
Ok, now that I’ve brushed that under the rug, let’s get to the Sin City BetBot Grand Champion Award, which goes to the most surprisingly good player in fantasy football this year. The nominees are:
Drew Bledsoe: I’m sure many of you out there looked at Bledsoe and saw an aging, immobile QB with a pretty mundane group of receivers. Bledsoe was …BZZT… money early in the season but faded a bit down the stretch as Dallas’ O-Line fell to pieces. Still, the fact that Drew came out of nowhere to put a top 5 fantasy season together was even more surprising than when I heard Jerry Rice was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars. Oh, the humanity.
Larry Johnson: He was certainly drafted in the late rounds as a handcuff to Priest Holmes in most leagues, but nobody saw this coming. In a little more than half a season’s worth of work as a starter, this former Penn State workhorse put up a historic run of fantasy numbers, climbing as high as the #2 overall scorer in most scoring systems.
“Simple….LJ was an average 7th rd pick, and performed like a top three pick. Everyone knows that LT and SA went #1 or #2 in just about every draft….and Larry outperformed them BOTH over the last half of the season.” – JayP37
Joey Galloway: A true deeper sleeper, Galloway had nothing going for him in August. The years of injury-plagued disappointment, the uninspiring QB, the seemingly younger, better receiving option in Michael Clayton, the #1 draft pick Cadillac Williams. Those are some …BZZZT… warning signs. Fantasy owners looking at Galloway were like cardiologists diagnosing a chain-smoking, 400-pound, diabetic stock broker whose parents both had heart attacks in their 40s. Who in the world thought Galloway would be a top 5-10 fantasy receiver?
“Galloway? Did he even get drafted?” – Paddler
“I voted for Galloway, because I never saw his year coming. He went undrafted in a couple leagues I’m in.” – feral pig
“The winner of this award should go to players who were probably picked up off the WW and then proceeded to carry a fantasy team…this has to be Galloway’s award.” – JimHart
Chris Cooley: The unknown tight end in Washington, Cooley made it big in the Moss-n-change offense employed by the Redskins this season. He could have been had much later than most TEs and ended up with top 5 numbers, including a monster week 15 that propelled many a fantasy team into their …BZT… championship game.
Neil Rackers: Yeah, he’s just a kicker, but consider that this guy was definitely not drafted in any league and then set an NFL record by kicking 40 field goals this season, including a number of those elusive 50+ yard bombs that score extra points.
“I voted for Rackers. He was, no doubt, a waiver-wire / late-rounder, at best, draft pick. As a PK, he then outscored many big-name position players. He was had cheaply and ended up a HUGE success. That’s why he got my vote.” – blzbba
“I voted for Rackers because in all 11 of my leagues he went undrafted…I was able to snag him in 6 of the leagues and he was my ace in the hole every week it seemed. #1 Kicker who you could count on almost 15 points a week from!!!!!!” – johnnyballgame
On the other hand….
“A kicker getting the award? are you serious? Nearly every kicker is a late-round selection, and the top pt. leaders from kickers the past two years have been WW adds.” – JayP37
Chicago Bears Defense/Special Teams: Probably available on waivers midway through your season, and most likely the best scoring defense in your fantasy league. They combined a massive pass rush with a ball hawking secondary, and who can forget Nathan Vasher’s missed FG return for a TD against …BZZT… San Francisco? Of course their production was also helped by playing Brett Favre twice this season – they sacked the Packers QB 4 times and intercepted him 6 times, returning 2 of them for TDs. God, please let Favre not retire.
And the Grand Champion is….Larry Johnson! [applause] This was a lopsided vote, with LJ scoring 21 of 44 votes for the award. And can you really blame us? He carried teams down the stretch, with a series of 100+ yard, multiple TD games. There was not a more valuable player in fantasy football in the second half, and he was available in many a 6th round. But don’t take my word for it, listen to the shark tank:
“LJ is a beast and he played at the top of his game when it mattered most for FF players, in the playoffs.” – r3b3lli0n
“I got Larry Johnson in the 13th round of our draft! … He’s been the top player on my team since Priest went down. I knew his numbers would go up, but I had no idea he would tear it up like he has. Larry is my MVP, no doubt!” – FantasyNovice
“I voted for LJ over Galloway just on general principle since LJ continued to rip it up through the fantasy playoffs while Galloway fell off a little. Who knows what we would be saying had Griese not been hurt, but it is what it is. I vote LJ.” – SJSwarm
“Can you guys imagine what he would have been able to do if he had been the starter all season, he is no sleeper pick but you can’t argue with the numbers.” – Footballjunkie
“Larry J is the hands-down winner….where else to you get 2000+ total yds and 20 TDS? If it’s anywhere after the 4th round, then there’s your winner…period!” – JayP37
Once again, well said gentlemen. You are good men, good bleeping men. [applause] Congratulations to Larry Johnson for winning the Sin City BetBot Grand Champion Award, I hope it finds a special place on your …BZZZT… mantle, in between your Faberge egg and your Doak Walker award. [applause]
That’s all we have time for this week, kids. If I can leave you with just one thought for this New Year, let me remind you – Showgirls and Gin, my friends. Showgirls and Gin. [applause]
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
You recently wrote about Mitch Albom’s ears and hair. I don’t get it. I don’t notice anything strange about Mitch’s ears or hair.
You obviously aren’t really looking. Next time you watch The Sports Reporters, look very closely at any close ups on Albom. He always sits on the left of the stage, so you’re only going to get a shot with an angled profile, but if you’re paying attention…you’ll see it. The man’s…BZT… ears must be humongous. His hair is ‘styled’ in such a way so that it is covering the top of his enormous ears. I mean his ears are huge, and the attempted cover up job by his hair is fooling a lot of people, but if you pay…BZZT… a little attention you’ll see his dwarvish features busting out. I wonder if he could cobble some shoes under the set for the other blowhards on that panel.
Don’t get me wrong, though. Of everyone on that panel, I like Albom the best, he exhibits the most common sense out of any of those clowns. If Bob Ryan were to cross paths with Ol’ Blue Eyes, I can guarantee that Frank would have had the occasion to smack him after about eight words came out of that fool’s mouth. I despise that fool more than any other jerk on that…BZZZT… network, and that’s saying a lot.
While we’re talking about asses on the Blowhard Sports Network, let’s tackle the new look of a guy most of you hate, Jay Mariotti. I normally try to avoid that God-awful abortion of a show, Around the Horn , as much as George W. Bush avoids logic puzzles. Unfortunately, I was stuck in…BZT… an airport lounge the other day and Around the Horn was on. God, I hate that bleeping show. God…
Anyway, have you seen Jay Mariotti recently? He looks like a freak now! Wow, he has his eyebrows shaved and, something else is going on with his face. I can’t quite place it. I am not sure if he…BZZT… had surgery, or botox or something else…But he looks like…off. Weirder than he looked when he was just plain ugly. It’s as if a doppelganger took his place. I don’t know why an alien invasion would begin with an awful hack…BZZT… sports writer based in the Windy City, but stranger things have happened. Either that, or he’s trying to emulate that ‘Stat-Boy’ pretty boy they have running that train-wreck of a show. Maybe he’s got an unrequited boy-crush on him, I don’t bleeping know. All I know is that ESPN is becoming a wasteland of Sports Yellers and dunks, and it sickens me.
And Mitch Albom has big ol’ ears.
Dear Sin City Betbot 6000,
I remember you telling us about some Christmas specials from the 60s. Did you ever do any other holiday specials?
Havre de Grace, MD
Yes, I have done a number of holiday specials. But it’s been a while since my latest special. Right after I had my breakdown in 1990, I attempted a comeback, which went horribly awry. Metallica had recorded a few songs…BZT… from their seminal album, Metallica. My producer Morty Feldstien approached them about helping me out of my funk and appearing on a live holiday special on ABC called ‘The Sin City Betbot 6000’s Rockin’ Holiday Jam…Damn!’
Morty did a lot of work on my behalf, I simply wasn’t in a state in the early 90s to do much of anything (read my origin story in italics to see why I wasn’t functioning well…). Morty was 67 years old at the time though, and not exactly hip. He originally signed Metallica to do…BZZZT… a heavy metal version of ‘Little Drummer Boy’, which Metallica was OK with. Heck, they even talked Lars Ulrich into wearing a drum major’s outfit for the song. When Morty heard that Metallica had a new album coming out that summer, he got his friends at Elektra to talk Metallica into doing a parody of their…BZZT… upcoming single, ‘Enter Sandman’, called ‘Enter Santa’.
Surprisingly enough 75% of Metallica was OK with this. They knew I was going through a rough time and wanted to help. James was livid, however. He did not appreciate the idea and had epic battles with Morty during…BZT… rehearsals, and many times, threatened to not show up. Despite all this, I started to feel better and thought this live special could be just the thing to get me out of my funk.
James and the rest of…BZZT… Metallica did show up, and even wore the sweater vests Morty asked all the musical guests to wear. What happened next was the thing that finally drove me out of my…BZT… circuit board for the next 14 years…Until Fantasysharks.com had me re-programmed. Picture if you will, me and Metallica sitting near a yuletide fire, with their instruments set up, just off camera. All of us wearing sweater vests, scarves, and knit caps, just like my 62 holiday show with the rest of the Rat Pack…
Here’s a transcript of that fateful segment…
Betbot: Well, we’re back, and I have my good friends Metallica here. How’s it going guys?
Metallica: Hey Betbot!! How are you?
Betbot: Guys, I’m great. Life is really treating me well, and hey – it’s the holiday season! Don’t we all have a great outlook on life this time of year?
James Hetfield: Well, I don’t know about that, Betbot, but we’ve got a kick-ass song to sing for you.
(This is where I really started to worry. Hetfiled’s line was supposed to be, “That’s right Betbot, we all can agree that the holiday season is an awesome time! And hey, we’ve got a yuletide song we can all rock out to!”)
Lars Ulrich: Yeah, Betbot, it’s awesome!
Kirk Hammett: Man, I am so ready for some yuletide rockin’!!!
Jason Newstead: Betbot, I know you’ve gone through some rough times, but let us rock the hell out of your blues!!
(This is where the music began, I could tell there was a lot of rage in Hetfield at this point)
Make your list of toys
Don’t forget little boy
To include everyone
Don’t be naughty
Just be nice
In the time of snow and ice
Cause the Santa he comes
Leave some milk and cookies
And maybe a martini too
Ho ho ho
Off to the North Pole we go
Well, we never got any further, because James Hetfield went nuts singing this insipid song. He completely lost…BZZZT… his mind. I really believe this was one of the key episodes that led James to his unfortunate downward spiral so many years later. He threw his guitar at Morty, luckily he missed, and stormed off. We went to commercial right away.
You know the rest, that really was the end of me for 14 horrible years, and James instead of dealing with his rage…BZZT… constructively, hit the bottle…hard. I got healed, and eventually, so did James, but it wasn’t easy for either of us.
Anyway, I hope you all had a great holiday season, and no…BZZZZZZT… one threw a guitar at you.