Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week
Wow – look, it’s week 14 already. Now if you’ve …BZT… followed my line up advice from last week, you’re stocked with backups for your stud RBs and ready for a comfortable ride into the playoffs. So allow me to take this week’s article and give you some random thoughts about football and about life. But before we get to the juice, let me first fill you in on the details for my annual awards show – according to my Inbox you guys are pretty confused about this whole thing, so allow me to break this down.
The Sin City Betbot 6000 Awards
I decided to let you kids help me with some hardware I’m gonna hand out. Ain’t that sweet of me? Anyway, I am going to give out MVP and LVP Awards for each regular fantasy position. These aren’t your normal awards, I’m talking giving props to the deeper sleepers that …BZZZT… came in like a 40-1 longshot for you this season. I’m also talking about taking some high expectation busts and cutting them down to size – some can’t miss studs that took a huge dump right on the fifty yard line.
Here’s where you come in. We’ll vote for MVP and LVP awards for one position each – QB, RB, WR, TE, K, and D/ST. I’m gonna let you cats have 25% of the overall vote. Even better, from each of our MVP and LVP award winners we’re going to select the ultimate MVP and LVP of fantasy football.
Merrill Hoge LVP award (6) – awarded to the player who was the most disappointing fantasy player at his position – think high expectations, low return (like …BZZT… Hoge’s prom night). Start voting in week 14.
Royal Flush MVP award (6) – awarded to the player who was the most surprising (deeper sleeper) fantasy stud at his position – think low expectations, but surprisingly high value (like a bottle of Mezcal). Start voting in week 15.
The BetBot Grand Champion (1) – awarded to the Royal Flush MVP winner who was the ultimate surprise for the year, at any position. Start voting week 16.
The BetBot Grand Balloon Knot (1) – awarded to the Hoge LVP who was the ultimate disappointment this year, at any position. Start voting week 16.
One of the clowns who transcribes my column will be posting ballots for each…BZT… award right here on the fantasysharks.com forums – so if you haven’t signed up yet, get off your …BZZZT… couch and register. That way, you not only get to vote, you can also add your comments, see? And just so I make sure nobody pulls a Terrell Owens and spoils everyone else’s fun, I’m going to retain 75% of the vote. Don’t worry, I’ll run my MVP and LVP algorithm three times each just to make sure I get impartial results – and also to make sure the …BZZT… Gin has soaked in before anything serious goes down. Here’s the full schedule:
Week 14 (this week!): I’ll have someone create a forum thread for you to vote for your LVP award winners, look in the main tank for more instructions
Week 15 – I’ll announce the LVP award finalists and create a forum thread for you to vote for your MVP award winners.
Week 16 – I’ll announce the MVP award finalists and create a forum thread for people to start voting for the Grand Champion and Grand Balloon Knot awards
Week 17 – I’ll be hosting my 2nd annual awards gala live from Las Vegas – we’ll review the LVP and MVP finalists and present the Grand awards.
Remember, if you post some good comments in the voting threads I’ll feature them in my awards show articles – don’t worry, I’ll get your permission first. So make sure you cast your vote and be heard. Oh, and have fun! Or not, I’m …BZZZT… getting loaded either way.
And now here are some random thoughts to keep you busy until Sunday….
Kyle Boller stinks, but I like what I see from the Ravens rookie Mark Clayton. If the Ravens get a real QB (and head coach) in there, Clayton could be a nice fantasy option in a couple years. Clayton was targeted 11 times last Sunday and grabbed 7 balls for over 80…BZZZT… yards. Of course, every single time he was targeted was on the Ravens side of the field…but that’s only because the Ravens offense treats the red zone like Superman treats kryptonite.
The NFL must be loving life this year, a whole batch of new playoff teams, especially…BZZZT… in the NFC and a bunch of young QBs stepping up. There hasn’t this much young talent in the NFL since the ‘77 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. I tell you what, the Cowboys were the first to recognize what we all love the cheerleaders for. The Eagles Cheerleaders took it to another level with their outfits…BZT… and lingerie calendar, but the Cowboys were the first. Rrrowwwrrr…BZT…
Speaking of the 1977 Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders. I was on the Battle of the Network TV Stars as a participant that year, and the Cowboys Cheerleaders were on the sidelines…cheering on the Network Stars. Anyway, I was a good friend with Gabe Kaplan (TV’s Mr. Kotter) and on the ABC team, I guest-starred on The Love Boat as a Slot Machine with a heart and asked to be on the ABC team. I did great, I’m a…BZZZT… bleeping robot, so I do most everything well. ABC won, thanks mostly to me and Gabe Kaplan’s leadership. The events were fun, but man oh man, the parties afterwards were legendary. I’m not saying Lynda Carter and I had a Session of Sweet after some of those tapings, but I’m not saying we didn’t. Mmmmm…What a woman.
A game that interested me a lot last week was the Steelers-Bengals game. I thought Mr. Rothlyzplyk would struggle to hit 200 yards and a touchdown. Boy was I wrong. Benjamin had almost 400 yards and 3 TDs…and 3 INTs. You see, the Steelers allowed…BZT… themselves to play a Bengals-style game. Good teams don’t do that, especially at home. Pittsburgh should have stuck with ball control, and kept the Bengals offense off the…BZT… field. Note to Coach Lantern-Jaw, let the O-Line and defense do the work, OK?
I had my annual End of Year Meeting with the three clowns who help me write this column; Dolfi, Petrizzi and Walls. We talked about my awards show and getting the font type correct, these idiots can’t seem to stick with my “Arial 10 point” edict…Schmucks. Anyway, I was…BZT… sitting next to these clowns at our meeting thinking, “No one really uses the word nincompoop any more…” Dolfi was saying something particularly stupid, and I thought of calling him a nincompoop, but decided to give him Red Eye instead (Editor’s Note: the Red Eye is the act of burning someone with a cigarette. We do not suggest you do this. Not only is it illegal, but it’s rude.). I figured if I called Dolfi a nincompoop, then gave him the Red Eye, he would be ready for it and duck. So I just went straight ahead with the burn.
I was their guest at the Seahawks-Eagles game Monday Night. Did you know these idiots sit in the …BZZZT… last row of that stadium? It was bleeping cold! I’m used to a sideline pass or a luxury box. I have to do some research, but this year’s Eagles team is a study in ‘What can go wrong, will go wrong”. Someone’s going to write a book about this year’s team – God they self-destructed.
Eddie Kennison is the only top-20 WR with less than 5 TDs. Most people saw the lack of TD production…BZT… coming, but Kennison was probably a nice late round pick for someone in your league, he’s a steady producer…Unlike Terence Trent D’Arby. Hey D’Arby, I want the twenty bucks you bleeping borrowed from me in ’87!! Do you hear me jerk?
Until next time, Showgirls and Gin, my friends, Showgirls and …BZT… Gin.
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