Wednesday - Jan 20, 2021

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The World according to Mattika


OVER PREPARED GUY: (for the record, this is usually me) He’s usually the first one there and has his spot picked out with Police Tape surrounding the area, restricting all access to his seat, his computer and his file cabinet that you just know, has a manila folder for every person expected to post a meaningful statistic this upcoming NFL season. He doesn’t drink alcohol (ok, this may not be me). He makes fun of more than half the picks being made by the other team owners. During breaks, he stays right where he’s at, running the software application (that he created) that will run 24 mock draft possibilities within the 5-minute break period. Oh, and one other thing. This guy always finishes last, due to both his starting RB’s ending up with a SALVATION ARMY icon next to their name.

UNDER PREPARED GUY: This happy-go-lucky son of a gun usually rolls up 2 minutes before the draft is to start, if not later. He doesn’t bring his own beer and always goes straight to the fridge to start ‘tying one on’. Of course he has no paperwork, no magazines and MAYBE, just MAYBE.  He’s got a couple names scribbled on a hot dog wrapper that he just heard from a radio interview with Tony Holm. He does not believe the nonsense in RB early and will not draft one until round 4, or later. It is not unheard of that this guy will draft his Kicker before having a TE on his roster. This guy will win half the time.

SUPER WHOOPED GUY: You have no idea why he is allowed to remain in your league from year to year. He comes in

right after UNDER PREPARED GUY. He walks in the door while on his cell phone. He gives you a quick, ‘heads up’ nod and rolls his eyes. You know who he’s talking to. He then promises to be home no later than 8 (your draft is scheduled to end at 10). He then promises the person on the other line not to drink (he’s already done a bull blaster and UNDER PREPARED GUY is pouring him another). When the last player is chosen in your draft, you look up and he’s already gone. He’s never heard of during the season. He never makes any transactions. He’s never at the post-season party. And he never wins. You and your friends often ponder as to which of you actually know this guy.

OBNOXIOUS DRUNK GUY: He’s getting there at the party just a hair after Over Prepared guy, always with beer in hand and by the looks of it, not his first. Some years, he will even precede OVER PREPARED GUY’s arrival, pending the results of the night before at the local Gentleman’s club. Before the draft even starts, it’s been determined that he will stay the night and his car keys have been hidden in the fish tank. He makes fun of EVERYONE’S picks.  You are all hoping beyond hope that he will draft Houshmandzadeh in order to get a good 4-5 minute laugh as he tries pronouncing it. This guy is usually passed out by round 12. At this time, the closest available female picks for him.

HOMER GUY: If possible, this guy’s starting roster would feature every single player from his fave hometown team. Rosters such as Tony Romo, Julius Jones, T.O. and Witten would be a GOD SEND. You could offer Manning (the good one) and Tomlinson for Romo / Jones and he’d hang up on you. The best trades of the year will be with this guy. And when I say ‘best’, I mean the most lopsided. Keep your eye out for him. During the draft, take a mid-round flyer on a, let’s say, Jerramy Stevens. By week 3, Seahawk guy will end up trading you a tier 1 QB or a tier 2 RB for him.

Which of these guys are you?

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