Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 50’s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob…), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for over 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.
The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45 point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to help your team with deeper sleepers to start each week.
The Betbot’s column is transcribed each week by Chris Dolfi, Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls, because, “Typing is a dame’s BZZZT job.”
David Carr – HOU – Talk about a disappointment. I know the offensive line is bad in Houston but Carr has been downright …BZZT… dreadful this year. Only one game with over 200 yards passing and he hasn’t thrown for two TDs yet. This week he faces an Indianapolis defense that will mow through the OL so fast you’ll wonder why the refs are allowing Dwight Freeney to line up at H-back. So what short circuit caused me to suggest him this week? Well, for one, his best receiver (Andre Johnson) was out for a bunch of time but now he’s back. That’s going to help. Also, the upcoming schedule for the Texans includes the weak …BZZZT… Chiefs and Rams defenses, and the KC game is an 8:30 Sunday night game. You know how much I like players in prime time, mostly because it gives me an excuse to watch a game I’d normally avoid just so that I don’t have to be subjected to the egomaniacal stylings of Joe Theismann. People are starting to flush Carr into the Joey Harrington trash bin, and the KC game will be Carr’s opportunity to show that he can still play.
Michael Bennett – MIN – Keeping with the prime time theme, I’m spying a Monday night game in two weeks between Green Bay and …BZZT… Minnesota. It’s exactly this kind of stinker that the NFL hopes to avoid televising next season. By making the Sunday night game their prime time game of the week they’ll be moving a good game from the afternoon to Sunday evening and pushing the GB/MIN junk back to 1:00 where it can die quickly before too many people notice. Anyway, Mewelde Moore is banged up and Bennett was dropped from fantasy rosters so long ago I’m sure you’ve forgotten how fragile he is, right? He’s certainly been off my radar but when I saw the MIN/DET box score on Monday morning I almost …BZZT… spit my Bloody Mary all over the eggs benedict. Who’s to say Bennett won’t jump at the chance to show off his “mad skillz” under the lights in two weeks? You know, just for any GMs out there looking for a soon-to-be-non-Viking RB. The Packers are terrible on defense and Bennett will be motivated. As usual, ignore me at your own risk. Oh, I’m suuuure you’d be all over the idea if I was touting TONY Bennett but I doubt he’s on your waiver wire. In my “Swank All-Stars” league Tony went in the mid-first round right after Sean Connery.
Reggie Brown – PHI – OK, I’m not going to go into the whole TO saga here, because one of my loyal readers sent me a note (firstname.lastname@example.org ) about this whole mess. What I will…BZZZT… talk about is his replacement, Reggie Brown. Brown caught 5 balls on 8 targets for the Birds last week, one of which he stretched into a 56 yard dash for a score. Look, is this kid going to be as good as TO? Don’t be silly. But he may do quite well for himself in a…BZT… pass happy offense. This kid could be a real star in the making, I like what I see so far, and the Eagles may have finally drafted a good wide receiver…If you’re in a keeper league, grab him now and see how he finishes the year, he might grab the…BZZZT… starting spot from the disappointing Greg Lewis, and be a valuable #2 WR for teams next year. You heard it here first.
Darrell Jackson – SEA – Darrell Who? That’s right, Darrell Jackson. Jackson is available in quite a few leagues right now, and while he’s still a couple weeks away from playing, he could be quite a steal as…BZT… you march towards your league’s playoffs. Grab Jackson now while the other owners are napping and watch him as he takes the field, and produces, right around playoff time. Take him now, and thank me later.
Chad Lewis – PHI – Yes, I’ve been reading injury reports and team transactions this week, can you tell? This is another roll of the dice, I admit, but like all of my patented ‘Deeper Sleepers’ there’s…BZZZT… a lot of merit to trying for a Yo! Here. (That was a Craps reference, if you didn’t get it – go to Vegas and live a little). LJ Smith is banged up, some guy named Steve Spach who is another TE in Philly is banged up too. Lewis may be pressed…BZZT… into service as soon as this week. Look for Lewis to play an ever increasing role in the Eagles hurting offense for the rest of the year. He could be a very…BZZZT… nice option a month from now.
Tecmo Super Bowl Tip of the Week
TATUPU! – You may be aware of a Junior LB for the USC Trojans, Lofa Tatupu. What you probably didn’t know is that Lofa’s father, Mosi Tatupu, was a 14 year NFL pro for the Patriots and Rams and also a former fullback on USC’s football team. He has one of the more colorful names in TSB, and since the Patriots are a popular team among TSB …BZT… enthusiasts Tatupu has somewhat of a cult following. The starting RBs for New England are Marvin Allen and John Stephens and, like most of the 1990-91 Patriots, they suck out loud. Tatupu is not noticeably worse if you sub him into the game, and it’s common to see players immediately insert Tatupu into the starting lineup over Allen. You will enjoy this roster move as soon as you enter the red zone and start yelling TATUPU! at the top of your lungs when Mosi rumbles in for a TD. You can’t talk that kind of trash with Marvin bleeping Allen.
Dear Betbot 6000,
Everyone else has talked about it. How about you? What do you think of the TO fiasco?
Ft. Worth, Texas
I’m going to ask your question with a question. Do you remember Abe Shine? No?
At one time, Abe Shine was the hottest young comic on the circuit. He had a fair amount of fame, a lot of money, sweet…BZZT… showgirls hanging off his every word and a semi-regular gig with the Rat Pack at the Sands. Go ahead, Google “Abe Shine”, you’ll find nothing about him at all. Why? Because he messed with the Boss, he messed…BZZT… with the franchise, he messed with Ol’ Blue Eyes.
You see, Abe got to be jealous of all the attention Sinatra was getting. He didn’t see what the big deal was. Sure, Sinatra was in movies. Sure, Sinatra could carry a tune. And yes, sure Sinatra could spin a story to a crowd. Shine didn’t see why Sinatra was the ‘Leader’ the Rat Pack. What …BZZT… made him so bleeping special? Abe Shine couldn’t see what was self evident to the rest of humanity – Sinatra’s undeniable charisma.
Shine, ladies and gentlemen, was jealous. And Shine’s mouthpiece…BZZT… lawyer – Roddy ‘The Yellow Scot’ MacCarmichael fed the flames of Shine’s discontent.
Shine went so far as to call press conferences in which he would trash Sinatra, with The Yellow Scot egging him on in the background. Sure…BZT… enough, this didn’t get Shine any more fame or money, as a matter of fact it cost him dearly. Sinatra made sure Shine did no more shows in Vegas and eventually made Shine such a pariah…BZZT… that he couldn’t get a bleeping job as a clown at a kid’s birthday. Don’t get me wrong, Sinatra is a good man, a good bleeping man – but he’s also a powerful, vengeful man.
Abe Shine attempted a comeback in the early 70s as the Original Unknown Comic. You remember this cat, right? The Unknown Comic would appear on The Gong Show with a paper…BZZT… bag over his head and tell awful jokes. Sure enough, Sinatra found out his true identity and allegedly had The Unknown Comic beaten. Shine’s brief comeback attempt was aborted, and Sinatra sold the Unknown Comic franchise to…BZZT… some other schmuck with half of Shine’s talent. Yeah, the franchise wasn’t even Sinatra’s an HE sold it. Some people call it nerve, some people…BZT… call it guts, some people call it balls. Me, I call what Sinatra had moxie. That man made moxie beautiful, I tell ya.
Shine died, penniless and angry, in 1971 in some gutter in Hoboken, Mr. Sinatra’s hometown. Of course, The Yellow Scot got away –ahem- scott free, as most lawyers do. He’s…BZZT… living on a yacht in Miami now, after he parasited himself off of the Bee Gees after Brian Epstein (the ex-Beatles and Bee Gees manager) died. MacCarmichael actually has a greater legacy now. The bumbling manager on The Partridge Family, ‘Reuben Kincaid’ is based on The Yellow Scot. Did you know that the character ‘Jerry Maguire’ was allegedly based on Drew Rosenhaus?
I hope you get…BZZT… my drift here, baby.
Until next time, Showgirls and Gin, my friends, Showgirls and …BZT… Gin.
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