Tuesday - Jan 15, 2019

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Week 2: NFL Roundup Boogaloo

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), the Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years, not always with the best equipment, but he was very good at setting lines, and living the good life.

The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by Fantasysharks.com and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT… is a dame’s job.”



Psst. For my weekly five-martini picks and other general insider tips (read: ramblings from a drunk robot) – Follow me @betbot6k on Twitter! On with the show!


I had a good friend who tried his hand at performing on stage. He was a singer; all his friends and family told him his voice was smooth as silk. He was a can’t miss star. He started out small, at a local bar. He auditioned for the bar owner, a family friend. He sang like an angel in front of this guy. The owner said he’d let my friend sing if he also bussed tables between sets.

So, the first night – my friend goes up and starts singing. I wasn’t there, but it was horrible. It was so bad, that the owner threw him out for his own safety. He didn’t clean … BZZT … off a single table, the owner (who was notoriously cheap) turned down free labor to get the singer out of his bar. The singer swore off singing, but eventually, he tried again. My singing friend’s name? Frank Sinatra. Ol’ Blue Eyes himself.


Why am I telling you this? I’m telling you this because I have important friends, and I need to remind you of this sometimes. But – I am also telling you this because it’s human nature to overreact to first impressions. As you know, I am a 55-year-old robot, not a human, so I don’t overreact to first impressions, unless I am meeting Raquel Welch for the first time … but I’ll tell you about that some other time. But, second impressions – well – that’s when you can form some strong opinions – and if there’s one thing I have – it’s opinions.


AFC NOTES

– A lot of people want to know my take on the Ines Sainz incident, which should be old news by now, but of course remains a current story so that media types have an excuse to link pictures of Sainz in those super tight jeans. No better way to ensure plenty of page views than featuring a picture of an attractive woman, preferably naked. I will be sure to remind my good friend Tony Holm next time I am invited up to his palatial estate. 

As for Sainz, I suppose I would be more receptive to her complaints had she not built her career by playing up her sexuality, even though this does not absolve the New York Jets of their responsibility to act like gentlemen in the presence of a lady. Cat calling, whistling, etc? What cretin thinks this will attract a woman? “Oh, this large goon just made lewd gestures in my direction, I suppose it’s time for me to take him back into the bathroom stall and show him a good time.” Of course, subtlety is not a behavioral trait of most football players, let alone those coached by
Rex Ryan, whose last name appropriately contains four letters so it fits into his vocabulary. I will leave the issue with this – Sainz is using her body to get attention, and the Jets are using their boorish behavior to likewise get attention. Have we not been trained to expect this from each of these parties by now? If not, you must have missed Hard Knocks. And to the contingent of the media calling for fines or major action against the Jets, you would do better picking your spots.


Speaking of the Jets, the hype machine is cooling down now that people are realizing that you can’t win in this league without a good quarterback, and the Jets do not yet have one. The Patriots game was nice, but let’s not forget Week 1 against the Baltimore Ravens. As I said in my season preview, until
Mark Sanchez


shows he can consistently produce at a high level, this team is an over-exposed one-dimensional blowhard.


Speaking of quarterbacks,
Tom Brady’s hair is absolutely awful, but let’s be realistic here. It’s not as bad as the raccoon that lives under the helmet of some Cincinnati Bengals’ defensive lineman. I’d look him up, but would rather not give him any more publicity. Plus, I’m three martinis into a bender and need to wrap this up so I can call my finance manager. (Editor’s note: he’s talking about
Domata Peko).


What to think of the Indianapolis Colts? After they blew out the New York Giants I heard a lot of people saying not to read too much into the Houston Texans loss, but at the end of the day the Indianapolis defense looked awful in Week 1 and that is going to be a problem. Perhaps Houston’s offense is that good, but I doubt it. It’s nice to see
Peyton Manning


lay the smack down on his little brother, though. People sometimes forget how average
Eli Manning


is, but when NBC insists on hyping up the “Manning Bowl” we get lots of opportunity to take notice.


Philip Rivers’
demeanor needs some readjustment; it’s hurting his public relations. Everyone likes to talk about how he can’t handle adversity without acting like a crybaby. Here’s my question: what is wrong with him giving the business to the San Diego Chargers’ center that cost the team an extra offensive play by stupidly not snapping the ball before the play clock ran out in Week 1? It was an awful mistake. What is Rivers supposed to do … say, “Aw shucks?” ‘Superhunk’ Brady yells at his linemen all the time when they goof up and he’s “being a leader.” I’m tired of weekly reporting about Rivers being spoiled.  It’s lazy, and reading into it too much is nonsense. Reminds me of the jackals who said
Alex Rodriguez


couldn’t perform in the clutch because of his aloofness. As long as Rivers plays tough and wins games, the Chargers will respect him. That’s leadership.


Chris Johnson
now has nine carries of 50-plus yards in his career, which is significant because this is hard data that tells you that Johnson is awesome. Oh, you already knew that. Remember when
Jeff Fisher


was splitting carries between Johnson and
LenDale White


two years ago? Well remember it when someone tells you Fisher is a great coach.


So I see
Charlie Batch


is back with the Steelers, off to a nice little 2-0 start and completely free from sexual assualt allegations! I see no problem with Batch stinking up the joint for Pittsburgh for a few more weeks since they are playing with house money at this point. It’s a shame about
Dennis Dixon, though. I once enjoyed a session with a stripper named Donna Dixon, who went by the stage name Vixen. This is probably the last I will talk about either of those Dixons, unless Donna shows up with a 19-year-old kid and paternity test results.


Remember back in week 1 when
Todd Heap


had one of those games where early on you watched and said, “How come I didn’t draft this guy, he’s getting the ball all over the place!?” Then he got banged up and you were like “Ohhhh, riiiiiight.”  Week 2: four catches, 35 yards.


The Buffalo Bills are adamant that they are not trading
Marshawn Lynch


to the Green Bay Packers. Of course they aren’t. Why would Buffalo do anything that puts their current Super Bowl run in jeopardy?


Remember when the Browns were supposed to be better? Yeah, well
Jake Delhomme


is the quarterback. So if by “improved” you mean “bad enough that
Mike Holmgren


will have to fire
Eric Mangini


midseason, thereby improving the Browns’ long term similar to how Anakin Skywalker did not initially bring balance to the galaxy as foretold, but eventually did so by destroying the Emperor”, then yes, the Browns are improved. That’s not to say that Delhomme should be compared with Darth Vader, which is clearly ridiculous. It’s just an analogy, people. The only person in the NFL that is bad-ass enough to be Vader is
Mike Tomlin


when he’s rocking those shades. Maybe
Donovan McNabb


when he grows out his beard.


NFC NOTES

– Betbot Note: I have re-written this bleeping paragraph three bleeping times this week. If there is another twist and/or turn in the Eagles’ quarterback carousel – I wouldn’t be surprised. I’m not going to say that I disagree with the decision
Andy Reid


made about
Michael Vick

.
For the 2010 season – it may be the right decision. Heck, based on what we saw out of
Kevin Kolb


for one half – it is definitely the right decision (I won’t mention the putrid offensive line, the shuttling in and out of Vick, and the god-awful game plan – no
DeSean Jackson


in the first half… what?!).

However, this year was …BZZT … supposed to be the year we find out if Kolb is the real deal. Well you can bleeping forget that now. At least until Vick gets hurt (and he should with Jason Peters around … what a load that guy is. He’s more worthless an accessory to the Eagles than Rob Cammellitti was to Cher… ah, my sweet, sweet Cher). The decision makes no sense in the long term if they believe in Kolb. Eagles’ brass may have permanently poisoned the well with this kid. I am sure the locker room has Vick’s back, and I don’t know if Kolb will get their backing again. This season went from an audition to Kolb to an audition for Vick. I don’t like the way the Eagles did it – it smacks of an Atlantic City pimp’s smarminess, but it may be the best move for them in the short term and the long term. The real reason Kolb isn’t getting his shot this year is because of the absolute dereliction of duty Reid has perpetrated with the offensive line for the last two years. Relying on sacks of manure like Shawn and Stacey Andrews, and not spending high draft picks on a guard or tackle this past draft, has left the Eagles quarterback position a sitting duck. Shame on you, Andy Reid.


Brad Childress

– how can this guy have the respect of his players? Oh – right, he doesn’t. Sorry Brad, you look more like my CPA than an NFL head coach, and your actions with
Brett Favre


don’t do your reputation any good.


I like what I see out of the Packers, but still worry about their secondary. If they can get healthy back there, expect a trip against New Orleans in the NFC title game.


Drew Brees

looked rusty last week, but that was against a very good Vikings’ defense. If the Saints’ defense can keep up its surprising start to the season (ask me again in November) no one will be able to compete.


The Falcons are a completely different team at home, but they only get to play 50 percent of their games there. They have to win on the road to grab a Wild Card spot.


Mike Singletary

is looking for a rat. That’s good – while you’re at it, you may want to find a diction coach for
Mumblin’ Jimmy Raye. The fact that the 49ers couldn’t get plays communicated on time because of a guy’s accent is laughable. I’m glad they have this figured out, because the difference between Week 1 and Week 2 was startling.

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT …gin.”

About Fantasy Sharks

FantasySharks.com began in 2003, disseminating fantasy football content on the web for free. It is, or has been, home to some of the most talented and best known fantasy writers on the planet. Owned and operated by Tony Holm (5 time Fantasy Sports Writer Association Hall-of-Fame nominee,) Tony started writing fantasy content in 1993 for the only three fantasy football web sites in existence at the time.