Friday - May 24, 2019

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Who is Gisele’s Baby Daddy?

Initially built by NASA to set lines for the Las Vegas casinos in the late 1950s (who do you think funded the Apollo missions? The government? It was the mob …), The Sin City Betbot 6000 calculated lines for more than 30 years. The Betbot was given various upgrades through the years – not always with the best equipment – but he was very good at setting lines and living the good life.



The Betbot was de-commissioned in 1990 after San Francisco destroyed Denver in the Super Bowl. The 45-point spread simply fried a number of the Betbot’s wires and he retired. The Betbot was discovered by FantasySharks and retooled to give fantasy advice. He lives now to give his own unique, well-cultured take on the NFL. The Sin City Betbot 6000 Presents is transcribed by Joe Petrizzi and Tom Walls because “typing … BZZT …  is a dame’s job.”


D
on’t forget to follow me on Twitter



@betbot6k

. I post my picks every week, and if you were paying attention from Week 1 you would know my five-martini picks are 5-0-1 this season.

Let’s get right to it, shall we? Everyone wants to know – “Betbot, are you the father of Gisele Bundchen’s child?”


As you know,

Superhunk Tom Brady
was in a car accident recently. There are conflicting reports about how, why and who … after all you expect a professional quarterback (under normal circumstances) with world-class twitch reflexes to avoid a fender bender like that. I admit, I feel some responsibility for the accident. After all, the baby does bear a certain likeness to Yours Truly. Brady was probably in a red fog over the whole thing.


So … I’m not going to say I am the father, and I won’t say that I am not the father … but, I am the father. There you have it – sorry Tom. And Gisele, I am sorry to you also, our ‘Session of Sweet’ is something I will always treasure. I hope to be a part of the baby’s life, I am nothing if not responsible, and sexy also.

NFC NOTES



The Redskins are finding new ways to lose. Their defense is abysmal, and
Mike Shanahan’s
Switcheroo School of Running Back’ management isn’t cutting it for the Redskins. Look for lots of big games from
Donovan McNabb
and lots of losses for the rest of the season. This team was too damaged going into this season to do anything but play spoiler at the end of the year. Where’s
John Elway
when you need him? 

Mumblin’ Jimmy Raye

was fired after the team’s horribly putrid showing last week. No offense, but … well no offense. That was the problem, Jimmy. As the offensive coordinator, it’s your job to move the ball, control the time of possession and score points. When you can’t do any of those three things, you get fired. Thankfully, Raye went onto a Comcast Sportsnet affiliate almost immediately after the firing – and threw everyone else associated with the 49ers under the bus; class move Jimmy.

Meanwhile,

Pete Carroll
, who apparently can sleep at night after what he did to the home of the ‘USC Song Girls,’ has the Seahawks looking like the class of the NFC West. That’s not saying much, but that’s all it takes to make the playoffs out there. The … BZZT … Seahawks traded for
Leon Washington
and
LenDale White
in the offseason. The best and worst skill positions trades were made by the same team at the same position. Washington won them one game all by himself.

I still can’t buy into the Bears hype yet. I still think

Jay Cutler
will get hurt and miss games before the end of the year (thanks to
Mike Martz
) but the defense has been very good. I also think ‘
Pencil Ear’ Mike Tice
should be in line for a gold star or a  smiley face sticker for the good work he’s done with the offensive line.

Dallas exploited an obvious weakness against the Texans (offensive tackle

Duane Brown
, suspended four weeks), and the Texans can expect more of this going forward. Nonetheless, they did execute quite well in all phases of the game. I think the Cowboys may still be the class of the NFC East, depending on
Michael Vick
, of course, but there are some very serious flaws with this team – beginning with the offensive line.

Nice win Vikings, but you’re still below .500 – get used to it.

Matt Ryan

and his band of Falcons showed some moxie in New Orleans. I love moxie, and think that if the Falcons survive their brutal home schedule (see my NFL preview article), they may sneak into the playoffs.

AFC NOTES

– Both the Chargers and the Raiders are going to be blacked out this week. Everyone reports this like it’s a big problem. What gives here? Ownership could easily fill the stadium by lowering the price of tickets and merchandise, so why should I care if they are terrible marketeers? Without doing much research on the specifics of either city, it’s certainly going to be like $200 just to get two people into the stadium, factoring in parking which I’m sure is a complete ripoff. For $200 you could have friends over to watch on your big screen HDTV and have the party bleeping catered. Blacked out? Hell, the NFL Sunday Ticket is only $300 for the whole season, why do I care if the local CBS affiliate isn’t carrying the game? Stop telling me about how it’s a travesty every time a large group of fans decides they don’t want to drop two or three bills to take their women to the week 4 game against the Arizona bleeping Cardinals, like that’s fixing to be a real barn burner or something.

In better news, apparently the Jaguars are going to be on TV this week because they sold enough tickets. This means one of two things – either a bunch of Colts fans are going to the game, or people in Jacksonville really want to see the home team get their teeth kicked in by

Peyton Manning
. Manning should come out of the tunnel
like Ravishing Rick Rude

– “CUT THE MUSIC! What I’d like to have right now is for all you mouth-breathin’ pieces of Jacksonville trash to sit down and shut up while I show you what a REEEALLLL quarterback looks like!”

Shaun Smith

of the Chiefs is back in the news again for grabbing the private parts of other players. You gotta be kidding me, Shaun. Act like a man, or switch to baseball where grabbing your junk is part of the game. Note I said “your.”  Oh, and why hasn’t anyone taken this pervert out yet via illegal chop block?

The New York Jets signed defensive end

Trevor Pryce
away from the Baltimore Ravens this week. Apparently the Ravens cut him in a roster move hoping to bolster their rush defense for the Steelers game and then re-sign him on Monday. But
Rex Ryan
swooped in, leaving the Ravens unhappy with Pryce and his agents.  Like they should be surprised. Pryce is 35, working with a guaranteed contract – you think he’s not going to take another contract with the Jets if he can make two salaries this season? Again, he’s 35.

Let’s not start thinking the Pryce move is a big deal for a massive improvement for the Jets. This isn’t five years ago.

Seems that

Aaron Maybin
of the Bills
is not living up to expectations
. As I said when he was drafted with the ninth overall pick last year, there’s no way he’s big enough to be a full-time pro defensive end. He played defensive end at Penn State at around 230 pounds, bulking up to 250 in the short time between the end of the college season and the scouting combine. Put aside the suspicious nature of that kind of lean weight gain in 6-8 weeks and focus on the fact that he’s still only 250, what in the world made the Buffalo front office think he’d hold up against the run? Brought to you by the same people that drafted a running back in the first round twice in four years. Don’t cry poor to me,
Ralph Wilson.
Stop sucking at football first.

On the other hand, fellow Penn State alum

Tamba Hali
is making with the sacks over there in Kansas City. Just because
“Ring Ding” Romeo Crennel
is overmatched as a head coach doesn’t mean he can’t coordinate a defense. Hali is from Liberia. Other NFL players from Liberia:
Bhawoh Jue
and
Ashton Youboty
. I know what you are thinking – those are some of the best names in recent NFL history.

Jake Delhomme

might be able to go on Sunday for the Browns. Poor, poor Cleveland.

Through three games,

Philip Rivers
has nearly 1,100 yards. With that defense, with that running game, with that head coach, he’s going to make a run at Dan Marino’s record – I mean, you do the math (OK, I’m a robot and already did the math for you, he’s on pace for nearly 5,800 yards.) Too bad nobody will be there at the stadium when he does break the record.

So long for now, and remember, “Showgirls and gin my friends, showgirls and … BZZT …gin.”


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