Sunday - Jun 16, 2019

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Why the Patriots are My Favorite Team

Author’s note:  What you’re about to read is the result of a friendly wager between myself and Editor-in-Chief Rob Schare.  It was agreed that the loser of Monday Night’s Broncos-Patriots game would write an article lavishing endless praise on the winner’s team.  I even gave Rob the 2 1/2 points, saying that “I didn’t need them.”  At least I was right about one thing.

I stand before you humbled.  I am awed by the presence of the magnificent New England Patriots football team.  Only now do I realize that since birth, I have been misguided, wandering, and lost.  My misplaced trust in a band of bumbling, tip-toeing pantywaists has led me astray.  I see the error of my ways, and I am here to repent.  The New England Patriots are truly the greatest team to ever play the sport of football.

Only divine intervention could have created a quarterback as perfect as the chosen one, Tom Brady.  With each flawless rainbow that arced through the Colorado night and into the hands of a white-shirted gentleman, my admiration for this pristine passer grew.  Inspired by the melodic rhythms of the Dave Matthews band which were hand-selected for his TV segment, Brady threw confidently into a zone softer than the pillow tops of a thousand mattresses. What grace, what excellence, what a steaming pile of crap.

Led by such a dazzling display of football prowess, how could the entire Patriots offense not shine like an antique diamond?  Every completion, every run, every yard, was more beautiful than the finest Rembrandt or Picasso.  As play after successful play was recorded in the New England gamebook, I began to feel the tears welling up in my eyes.  My feelings betrayed me.  I was torn, like the anterior cruciate ligament of Ian Gold.  But I could not lie to myself any longer.  Soon, I was broken, like the pinky finger of Steve Beuerlein.  I had heard the true calling of the blue, red, and silver – I was a Patriot.  And I was happy.

So take me now, Patriot Nation.  I’m sorry I ever doubted you.  I’m sorry I rooted so long for the wrong team.  And I’m sorry Deltha O’Neal didn’t feel like returning the finest free kick in the recorded history of this great game.  I’ll never fail you again.

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