Who knew? I am still scratching my head over it to this day, and I have had three days to let it sink in. I guess that is just how things are in our little world of fantasy football. As much as you think you know, you come to realize, you don’t know anything. I have seen too many know-it-alls spouting statistics and analysis until it makes me want to puke up my gorditas that I had for lunch. And, might I add, they were pretty tasty. In short, I do believe that some folks take fantasy football way too seriously, and no matter how much thought you put in to it, a team like the Browns come along and screw all of your know-it-all thinking up. You know what? Nothing in the world could have made me happier.
For instance last week, there was a game that no one was paying attention to. That’s right, the Cincinnati Bengals going against those fantasy monsters known as the Cleveland Browns. The Cleveland Browns scoring 51 points was a fine example of why I love fantasy football. You can make projections and predictions, but it doesn’t matter, because you end up leaving 37 points on the bench because you thought Jamal Lewis didn’t have it anymore. Before last week, you would have been out of your ever loving mind to start
Derrick Anderson or
Joe Jurevicius, but that is what makes fantasy football so great.
Let’s take a trip in the time machine, all the way back to last Friday. Where I want to challenge you to a no holds barred fantasy exhibition. We will bet 10,000 dollars just to make it interesting. I will give you the best fantasy players at each position. That’s right; I am going to let you have
Peyton Manning at quarterback;
Steven Jackson and
Ladainian Tomlinson at running back;
Steve Smith and
Marvin Harrison at wide receiver,
Antonio Gates at Tight End;
Adam Vinatieri and the vaunted Bears Defense. I can see it in your eyes, you think I am some kind of a moron, and that is probably true, but nonetheless, you haven’t heard the best part. All I am going to start is Cleveland Browns. That’s right, I am putting 10,000 bucks on the pathetic and lowly Cleveland Browns against you lineup of all star studs. You are already counting your money, and I can’t say I blame you (Even though I am a poor boy living in a trailer in West Virginia, and couldn’t possibly pay you, but that is beside the point.) Come Monday, you would be selling your house, your wife, and anything else you could find to pay your debt to me, because, you would have lost, my friend.
Let’s take a look at it, shall we? I did these calculations, based on one of my league’s scoring. Feel free to do it with any scoring you want. The Browns will always win.
The Awesome Almighty All Stars
Peyton Manning – 32.4
Ladainian Tomlinson – 9.8
Steven Jackson – 12.6
Steve Smith – 25.0
Marvin Harrison – 14.7
Antonio Gates – 20.7
Adam Vinatieri – 10.0
Bears DST – 30.0
Total Score – 155.5
The Lowly Pathetic
Derek Anderson – 44.4
Jamal Lewis – 27.5
Lawrence Vickers – 2.1
Braylon Edwards – 34.6
Joe Jurevicius – 20.4
Kellen Winslow – 22.0
Phil Dawson – 15.0
Browns DST – 1.0
Total Score – 167.0
When you add it all up, you see that the Browns would have destroyed you measly collection of all stars. I even used the pathetic showing of the Browns defense and whoever the hell
Lawrence Vickers is. What is the point of all this? I don’t know, I am a moron and thought it was interesting to see. Oh and that anything can and probably will happen in the unpredictable world of fantasy football. Go ahead and do all the preparations and statistical analysis to your heart’s desire, because someone, who is not as prepared, is going to come along with a lineup of misfits and beat you. You know what? There is nothing you are going to be able to do about it. I just think that’s funny, don’t you?
Speaking of the Browns-Bengals game, I had no problem with the fact that it was my only game I could watch on television; due to the fact they are two local teams. I understand that. If I wasn’t so cheap, I would invest in the Sunday Ticket to alleviate that problem. My complaint is this. With all the money being thrown around with the contracts and rights to this game, why can’t they broadcast every game in High Definition? Seriously, this is an outrage. I didn’t spend over 2000 dollars on my home theater to have to sit through the crappy picture that CBS was broadcasting. I had to settle for, Gasp, standard definition television! What law did I break to deserve such outlandish punishment? And, why is CBS so cheap? I, mean, they spent a billion dollars for the rights to broadcast these games, why not spend a little more to give me my H.D.? Especially, if it’s the only game I can get on my 2000 dollar television.
Hold on a second, someone is tapping on my window. I will be right back. In the meantime, I want you to enjoy the soothing sounds of light jazz.
One minute later…
It doesn’t matter how much I try, I just can’t seem to get rid of that disease known as Reverend Checo. Unfortunately, he has graced us with his presence once again.
Hi, everybody. Did you all miss me?
No. You are like an annoying stray dog that just won’t leave. Why did I have to feed you? You would have moved on to the next column writer.
Didn’t I tell you that
Braylon Edwards would score 2 touchdowns? I dreamed it and it came true. You should listen to me more often.
You had that dream two weeks ago.
Ahh, but it still came true. I am like a prophet. A fantasy Prophet! You should pay me for my services.
There is no way I am going to pay you for your dream predictions. You really need to lay off the acid. Besides, how are we suppose to guess which week your dreams come true, or are you going to tell us.
I had another dream. Do you want to hear it?
No. I have an important article to write, and you are interrupting
This article is a lot of things, but important is stretching it. Nobody reads it. Not unless, they are drunk or high. By the way, everybody thinks light jazz sucks.
You have got a point. Tell us your dream, so I can move on.
I was listening to the radio, and a game was on. I hear an announcer say someone has just scored their third touchdown. I don’t remember the name.
How could you not remember the name? That’s a critical piece of information.
You are probably, right. Well, it’s time for me to go. I left some tuna cookies in the oven and I better get to them.
I need to know who scored three touchdowns. This could help my teams. All my teams have sucked so far. I can use all the help I can get.
Good Bye, everybody. See ya, next week.
Well, what an ungrateful piece of work. I guess, we should move on, as we haven’t got time to goof off. I have some important journalism to write, and an important interview to get to.
Our guest this week comes from New Bern, North Carolina (That is where they make Pepsi), and he is a big Steelers fan. Now, as you may or may not know, I am a huge 49er fan, and there is this little game going on this week. Of course, the 49ers are going to go into Pittsburgh and shock the football world, just as Cleveland did last week. However, my guest disagrees. I asked him his real name and he said it was Adam West, so I guess he thinks he is Batman. If you peruse the tank at all, you will know him as The Bus.
How long have you rooted for a bunch of losers known as the Steelers?
When I was shot out of the womb, they couldn’t hold me back even then; my first outfit was a Steelers onesie. So I guess 34 years.
Wow, you are old. Do you remember any Super Bowls from the seventies?
I vaguely remember Super Bowl XIV. I can remember my parents having a party. Knowing my parents though, they don’t even remember their parties.
Is that what happened to you? They put a little vodka in your bottle and you haven’t been the same since.
First of all, us Steeler kids were raised on Iron City Beer. Vodka is for 49er fans. Secondly, my problem stemmed from prolonged exposure to Suckitude (Wow, Bus. Is that even a word) during the end on the Noll era. That was a rough time to be a Steelers fan. I’m sure you can relate, Mr. My team hasn’t been relevant in football in over a decade.
By the way, 49er fans drink wine and eat cheese. Get your facts straight.
You’ll be whining and looking for cheesy excuses after this weekend, just like those Seachickens in SB XL.
I don’t think so. I know you are looking forward to the beat down that the Niners are going to bestow on you Sunday?
What I’m looking forward to is: Mr.
Alex Smith meeting Farrior, Foote, and Polamalu. I’m looking forward to every Fantasy Football owner in the world crying when
Frank Gore gets them 4 points this week. I’m looking forward to humiliating that douche that is Lundy. I’m looking forward to the excuses that will be made up. I’m looking forward to the beat down that will be given not received. It’s like my high school JV team rolling into town. No worries at all.
You better start worrying. We are going to make you feel like Michigan after a game with Appalachian State. Perhaps, you haven’t seen the wrecking machine known as our new defense. I tell you, we are going to go in there and shock the world and come out 3-0, and all the little Steeler fans in their onesies will be crying after the game. Forget all this bantering; I will make you a wager.
What Kind of wager? You want to be my Robin when you lose? I don’t swing that way. Little boys in tights are more of a San Francisco thing. (I apologize in advance to anybody in the great city of San Francisco for Bus’ comments)
Are you sure, you didn’t get hit on the head one too many times? No, no, no! If by some small miracle, the 49ers lose, I will print in my article, a picture of me in nothing but Steeler crap. I will even tell the world that Bus is great and better than I am. However, if the Steelers lose, I want a public apology in the Main Tank of fantasy sharks. Also, I want a statement telling people how awesome I am and how I am better than you.
Like I am going to have to do that. You are on, my friend!
You ain’t no friend of mine, you loser.
Friend is like calling someone chief or pal. You say that when you don’t give a crap about someone or don’t care enough to remember their name. In regards to you, it’s a combination of each. Good luck chief.
I don’t need luck. I root for a real team. I look forward to your statement.
There you have it folks. If the Steelers somehow beat the 49ers, I will embarrass myself all across this World Wide Web by modeling Steelers gear and telling everyone that Bus is awesome and better than me. Seriously though, I am not one bit worried about it, as the 49ers will win as I have predicted.
My codknocker of the week is O.J. Freaking Simpson. Is this guy just clueless or stupid or both? Somehow, this cat thinks he is still bigger than he is, but he nothing more than a useless piece of garbage that just doesn’t get it. Honestly, I don’t care about him, but what I do not like is the fact that is he on every freaking Sportscenter and news channel, again. When I watch the news, I want to watch something that is important or relevant in the world, not this sensationalistic garbage that no one in their right mind cares about. Please, Mr. Simpson, get out of my television. Oh, and another thing; CBS has no problem covering this retarded ninja in High Definition, and not my local game. What is the world coming to?
Well, I am tired of hunting and pecking on my keyboard, so this is the end of this week’s edition of “The Other Side.” I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed trying to find the letters on my keyboard to deliver such fascinating ground breaking writing to you; my loyal seven drunken readers. It is my hope, that one glorious day; one of my readers would be sober and not crazy. But, I will take what I can get. Finally, this week’s edition of “The Other Side” has been brought to you by the letters “L” and “T”, and by the number “3”. I finally got the information, I needed out of Checo. It is just too bad that I don’t have Lawrence Tynes on any of my teams.
If you need some advice about who to start and insert in your lineup, you can visit the following link, and Reverend Checo and I will give the best advice, bar none.
As always, if you have any hate mail, fan mail, complaints, death threats, or if you just want to drop a line telling me how awesome I am; email me at Lundylove@msn.com. I might even answer some of your deepest darkest fantasy questions as long as it is about football. If they are good enough I might even post them in an upcoming article, and share your knowledge with the world